The last few days have been lot’s of ups and downs, I have been thinking a tone about work. I Feel kind of trapped, I really want to work but one second I feel on top of the world and the next second I feel sick and overwhelmed. I am on the line of just doing it and hiding. Working again would be such a realize for me and a proud moment. I would be able to bet my own Track and think about getting back to showing Ty (my horse).
When you suffer from anxiety things that are easy for most are not easy for those who have anxiety. The though of being in a store with people telling me where to go and what to do freaks me out, because I can not just leave if i feel sick. I have worked a few jobs in my life, Quiznos, Riding lesson coach, horse trainer. but now things are different and I am still trying to learn what I have to do. I’m scared I am going to get in over my head and let so many people down, in the processes.
I got so many plans for my life and I am avery hard worker, a value I was showen as a young child. I just have to push my self but easier said then done, we all know that. I don’t mind the boring jobs, dirty jobs, long hours, shift work, and more. I will do any job but I just need to take the steps. I plan on traveling a lot the next few years, now I am out of school. I have to start working first so I can afford to do all the backpacking I plan on with my sister.
I guess all great moments of your life start with a struggle, The reward is much greater when you put the work in yourself. I know I can do it but it is never east making the changes that are huge. You have to change the whole way your mind think’s, years of backwards thinking needs to be re directed.
So Easter Day was interesting, woke up really ill so was expecting it to go bad. I got up around 11 am , hopped in the shower then went down stairs. Later that day my parents and sister went down to Welland to have Easter supper, with my dads side of the family. I packed up and headed out to the store to get some things for my youtube vlog, sadly all was closed. I ended up going home and filming my video any how, but was still not feeling great, so was thinking what I was going to do next. I finally decided where I was going to go for a hike. I packed up my dogs in the car and camera, and headed out. Now because I was still not feeling to well, was just going to go alone. I decided to call my good friend Ryan to come with, push my self you know how it is. We headed out to St.George and drove past my old house( looks the same) and started hiking with the dogs.
The hike for me was going good had a great time and was the first time I really felt like I was making the progress I wanted to. We hiked for about 2 ish hours did not have one anxiety attack, so thats good for me lol. We started heading back with the dogs ( golden and a Chihuahua ) But we wanted to do something else. I was starting to feel the effects of not eating causing a bit of anxiety for me, because I was starting to feel sick again.
After getting home and cleaning up the dogs because the pups where covered in dirt, we, decided to go out. I contemplated for a bit but I wanted to really push my self for Easter. Ryan and me went to our local bar and fun spot Wacky Wings and played out usual games of pool. Not only did I play pool I ordered some food well fries, it still counts. I had probably 3 mini anxiety moments but all manageable and had a great time. I decided to head home because I still wanted to clean up the house and head out to the farm.
Once I got home I cleaned up changed my boots and headed out, Of course Feet still got socked, well welcome to Canada…. Well, when I got out there I decided to take my horse down to the arena and see if he is good as new, He was great 1000 times better. Then people started to show up at the farm, I conquered some more fears. I road with people their and got back to jumping. I decided to wrap up the day and head home. was a great time over all and lots of up and downs. Fell like I made progress and I am happy with where I am heading.
So sitting here night before easter, defiantly puts a damper on my mood. Tomorrow everyone on my dads side of the family gets together and goes out to supper, But like always I am just not here yet. It sucks not being able to spend this time with family, I just wish I will be able to one day. You would think that I would be use to this, but holidays never get easier for me. I am just so lucky to have the support.
I find I always put on a smile, even when I talk about my health. I don’t know why, I just do. I will smile and play it off like it is annoying but all good. When the truth of the matter is that it is hard, and I cant always manage it. I find it is easier to just play it off lighter then it is. I don’t want to be pity and cold truth is many do not understand.
People need to know that when it comes to life there is always going to be the ups and downs. what is important is how you recover from the downs, to create your high points. I work out vent to friends. I suck at showing my feelings lets face it. I got them, but I like being the one who can help be the strong one. It is true what they say sometimes the one who always smiles, is the one struggling the most.
Check out my youtube channel Kat Dorsey for more vlogs and up dates.
okay this is just a bit of an update on my progress so far. Yesterday My Mom was going out to get some groceries at the store, now normally I woulds stay home but I ended up going with her. HUGE STEP but it was great, We walked around the store for a bit then checked out. I was so happy I had very little worries, and it did not stop there, after the store she asked if I wanted to get food, I took a moment to think but decided things where going good, why not !!! We just went to Mc Donald my weakness, and ate in. I have not ate in for over year and avoid it if I can. After supper we went home, was 8:40 pm and I had to meet a guy who was looking at my horses teeth. Now I normally would of found someone to be there so I did not have to, because set dates and times make me nervous and feel sick. I meet up with my floater(horse Dentist) for a quick check. It was around 10pm now and I felt great, I was so happy I did all that and I even Inquired about a job at the local pet shop. Now I just have to maintain this.
When I was 14 years old I developed crippling anxiety, it started small then got worse and worse. I a 20 now and feel like I have been to hell and back. I try to stay positive but when your life is based off fear, you tend to side on your more pessimistic ways. You forget to live, and it is more about getting through each day then experiencing it.
The cold truth is I always put on a face for people I have no choice, If I don’t then I get asked time and time again to light up and get over it. Don’t get me wrong I love my life and who I have become, but I could do with out the fear and worry. People need to understand it is not something you just get over. would you tell someone with a broken leg to get over it or someone with cancer…NO! just because you cant see our struggle does not mean it is not there.
What bothers me the most about my anxiety is
Not being able to go down to see family on holidays
Not being able to see friends and make plans
Not being able to go shopping with my Family and friends
Not being able to drive with people
Not being able to eat out
Stress, Stress, Stress
Not being able to sleep
Not being able to travel
Not being able to work
Being sick most days
I may have a lot of fears but I have been lucky to have an amazing family who understands and amazing friends too. What I am going to do over the next little bit, is make changes to improve my life. Im starting by getting out more with people, I am gonna try and change my way of thinking my taking action. Don’t get me wrong , it will be a process and could take a while. I want to get back to Hiking and traveling a bit more. Most importantly working, I want to do more then just get by I want to succeed and I want to live.
Mental health is something you hear a lot about on tv and the news or from other people.Still nothing really changes If anything the numbers are getting higher. In 2015 they estimated that 1 in every 5 people had some mental illness, equal to 21.0% and 4.5 Million people. As a girl who suffers from anxiety I have come to see how bad things are. The only real help out their is being drudged out your ass or therapy. I find doctors just write you off as a head case and hand you a bottle of pills, and therapist are just over priced and don’t do a hole lot. All you ever get told are these three things
Push your Self
I get that they help some people but it depends on the situation, In the end it is all just words on the page. what I find that helps me are just friends and family.
I also find when it comes to mental help in the work force, is no different then any other aspect. We are expected to work ad be 100% fine. There has to be more accommodations. Its no different then someone who has a physical disability. Just because you many not see our issues does not been they are any less severe.
I cant work now because of anxiety is so high doing anything in that environment would make me sick. I would love to work a full time job, but try working and having to call in 3 times a week because you are having a panic attack and are ill because of it. Yet I cant get un employment or any sort of benefits. What really hits a nerve is when you see people who sit on there ass all day collecting welfare and going to casinos. If you are on that you should not be allowed to buy beer and gamble it away. There are people that need it to eat and live. The government needs to adress this situation, maybe improbe some peoples lifes’