Reading The Signs

So today I happened to wonder about facebook we all know that site, well a video popped up. It was called when animals attack, lets get real here the people called for it. I herd someone say the show should be called when stupid people get close to dangerous animals. Its like when people go into the ocean and get attacked by a shark then give the shark a bad name, well my friend the shark was here before people ever where. We know they are hunters so are people. If you do things like that you cant blame the shark or whatever animals space that is being invaded.

Another video I came across is people on a bite ride who stop and see horses in a pasture (field) they just keep forcing them self closer and closer. Every time the horse backs off and pins his ears, you can clearly tell even if you know jack all about them, that the gelding was not okay with the strangers. After about a half hour of being bugged by them, the horse lunges at them, and bites. they call the horse phyco and crazy. no my friend it was their fault and the horse was simply saying he had enough. The horse did not attack nor was he being unpredictable, he gave clear signals to back off that where being ignored. I would also like to note that the gelding ran off after this he did not keep attacking and the guy was not even bleeding.

 

people need to learn to read the situation then act on it accordingly, just be smart about your choices. If you make bad choices just own up to them with out blaming others. I find people are the most dangerous. and half of the bad outcomes we in-counter could of been avoided, if one would of used the brain they clam to have.

 

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Cold Reflection

Do you know what it’s like to watch your future die, what its like to feel your life slip away?

Do you know what it’s like to feel as though someone is holding you down,.. under water as they sit and watch you strive for air?

slowly watching the bubbles stop. 

Do you know the cold grasp of death?

do you feel it lurking below?

hoping and waiting for you to slip into it.

Cold to the touch with faded eyes and icy hair, drifting into the darkness once her disquise.

Once a livly sole, now fadding to the darkness for her demonds to take 

Her weary self now at rest, she finilly gets a break from the pain she caused her self.

drowning her life below the sea

she reliszed the face that killed her was ! hers…

 

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My life, My Passion

Everyone has something, Some do crafts some do sports, some listen to music and so on. What drives you, what motivates you and what makes you happier then anything. For me it is riding, it keeps me sane and it keeps me focused on what I want.

It is true riding is very dangerous and despite what many think it is one of the harder sports you can do. It looks like we sit there but we use muscles the whole time we are moving. riding is like running  a race mixed with jumping things, one or 2 laps around are you will be out of breath. One mistake can tell if you live or die, when you come to a barrel you need to find your pocket, the space where you start to turn your body in and get the arch around the turn. if you turn in to much you will hit the barrel going 50 mph, yeah not fun I gashed open my tibia bone and fractured it just turning to sharp. I turned only an inch to soon and it caused 3 months healing and 7 stitches. I went up to a jump this year 3,6 ft tall and 2.4 ft wide, I was not able to ( collect ) his stride I got to the take off spot half a stride to early. we ended up cought in the jump, he landed on top of me 1200 lbs of him. a cracked rip and a ripped calf and thigh muscle and a hyper extended knee , with a concussion. People say we look like we sit their farther from the truth but that is what we want people to see. if it looked hard we would not be doing it.

Riding is something that has given me a distraction from life, it is my drug. I love my guy I got him at 7 he was scared and un broke, I was un healthy and getting sicker. he saved my life and I saved his. now look where we are. He is my rock and shows me how things can turn around with work and time.

Everyone has a passion something that drives you. something no one will understand. It can be anything you love. What drives you? what do you love?..IMG_0136.jpg

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Everyday she wakes up knowing she will have to start the day, She is just going through the motions every morning. She tries her best every day, but even when she wins she fails. Stuck inside this life, lost, broken scared. Her wold is crashing down on her he hope is  gone. She is living with a monster who lives to take her down. Yelling and screaming ” you’re not good enough”. He sucks the life out of her failing to see the damage he’s done. Playing the victim  and turning the cards, her life is gone to the demon with in. No way out, broken and beaten down, she has given up but he can not see. One day she slips away at night and her demon has won and he life was gone.

 

 

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Family?

The person that is suppose to love you, care for you and be their for you never is. One of my biggest struggles in life is my health and anxiety. I have not had the support from all of my family members, most yes but not all.

My dad and me have had a very strained relationship from the very beginning, he is still my dad and all but sadly very detached from emotions. I feel he always looks at me as a disappointment, I don’t blame him, I am. Nothing I do will ever meet his standards and probably won’t. I am the one, to him that sits on my ass and does nothings, I am the one that is going nowhere, whats the point of me. I love me but nothing I do is ever good enough. I can try and try and I will fail. I feel so hopeless, every time I am up I come crashing down.

Everyday I wake up sick or in pain, everyday I have no energy to do anything.  I want to do so much an to him its my fault I can’t. I have been to Doctors after Doctors and never get any answers or help. After 6 years of this I takes a toll, people see me as this funny person who always positive. It is a lie,,,I am not happy, I love me and I try to keep a good head on my shoulders, but after being taken down everyday, it gets hard. I find that everyday I need to find more reasons to fight and stay positive.

My dad always puts me under so much stress I don’t know how You can take down your own child whit so much hate, when he gets into a argument with someone in my house, I am the one that gets the blunt load of it. I just feel trapped , to top it off he plays the victim. The one who has a good paying job, a loving wife a nice house, friends and food that is always on the table is the victim. he is the bully not the one who can pull that card. if he was us he would not even last a day. He is my dad and all but at the same time he just makes everything harder. So much hate everyday so much pain and hear tells me I need him but I don’t need hate and I don’t need to be bullied. he will tell you he is trying to motivate you and help but helping is not hate or yelling. it is coming up and talking things through and coming up with a plan. it is not coming up with a order it is not making your child FEAR! you.

I am being forced be normal yet cant, I have anxiety, I struggle to maintain a job and do normal things. yet I can no longer stay at my house with out shame and hate. My mom is the most supportive person I know, and I know the stress of this is hard for her. I just don’t know what do to anymore. I need a reason to stay positive, I don’t want to be a berden to my family or others. I just hope that one day it will end and be better, one day I hope to live a normal life.

 

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Grand Bend Ontario

 

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A while back, I believe it was July, My sister and me took a day trip to Pinery/ Grand bend, two hour drive for us. For me with my anxiety I was not sure how the day would un-fold. As a child we use to go their and it is beautiful, The water looks like Cuba water, so clear. It is on lake Huron, it is the best out of the great lakes, because the poullution is minimal. 

After a long drive and getting lost in the park we finally found a trail to hike, The first trail was the shortest maybe 45 min hike tops. The best part is all the trails go out to a look out point and as with most provincial trails, you get to learn a bit about it at the end at the look out. Pinery is known for deer and other wildlife and a great spot to bird watch. after the trail we got some food then headed to the beach. the water was very icy cold but the water as clear as could be, no rocks or anything but sand in the water. once we adjusted to the cold water we went very far out. most fun I have had in a while and a good girls trip for sure. we did some yoga and gymnastics on the beach then left to do something else. Back at the main area we decided to go canoeing on the Ausable River. went for about an hour then we headed back to the docks. Once back, Teanna and I grabbed some snacks and then wanted to do more trails, we are big for hiking. We managed to get 2 hour long trails done and all leading out to the Ausable Channel. The sun was setting and was time to head home a bitter sweet end to the day. I saw how beautiful the sunset was so se stopped and ran up the sand dunes, very hard by the way. I needed to get pictured of the beautiful sunset.10 pm now and a two and a bit drive we headed out.

For me I was very sad to leave, I love adventure and going back to an old child hood destination; but due to my health I struggle greatly with it. I don’t get the same chances to go out and do things like that, I have more to think of and plan then most do. We are thinking of moving up that way now to live their year round, I hope it is something we do. Truly is a beautiful spot and I hope everyone gets a chance to visit their. 

 

*Trails to hike are, The bittersweet Trail, Hickory Trail, Heritage Trail, and Riverside Trail.

 

My youtube channel Kat Dorsey have the vlog from that day cheers!img_5768

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#Delete

 

She always said that it would not happen to her, that she was to smart to be hurt and disrespected like that, she believed she would never get put in that situation because she was never in that part of town. she never thought she would be wrong, until she was.

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 she was only 16, a fun loving, honest, bubbly person but a little to trusting and naive for her own good. Her friends and her soon meet this guy, seemed like a nice fellow, but it was just a disguise. one day on the road something seemed off, he pulled off to the side and snorted a line. She had no idea what to do, the tension and anxiety grew. what choice did she have, over an hour from home? back on the road another hour went by the girl had no clue what to do. Trapped with a guy who she thought was a friend, turned out to be a disguised junkie. she tossed and turned the rest of the night then told him to pack up they are heading home.

The drive was cold and stormy nothing but the rain hitting the car roof, he pulled over one time as a cop went by, she could feel her heart just pound inside, wanting to be home, waiting to get out of the car. 

That night she lied awake thinking of the choices she made, hoping for things to change. She told her self no more talking to him but she needed to get around; and was the only one with a car. A few weeks went by and it all seemed to be normal and all good, until one night after work she needed a ride. She did not want to walk in the cold rain. The two went for a short cruise around town, then went back to her place for a night cap and TV. 

She thought she was safe, what could do wrong , It was her house and they where not alone. She had a few drinks while watching TV, he keep pouring saying one more just one more. She said time to go but she had no control, he would not take no for an answer. She could not fight him and he carried her up stairs. she tried to scream but no words came out, no one could here. 

The next morning she woke in disbelief, but the worst was over… or so she thought. A day went by she thought she was fine, till one night she fell ill. A few weeks went by and she could hardly move, something was wrong she had no clue. Her mom took her in weak as can be, but the doctors had no idea. A few hours went by then something showed up a liver infection that cant be undone. She drank so much on that fateful night, 4 years later and it still haunts her at night. Her life now run by fear and pain, hoping, wishing, dreaming she could just press DELETE, but life is not a computer you cant just simply #…DELETE.

Moral of the story don’t live in the past, always move ahead and remember shitty things can happen to anyone so always be safe.

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The Green Monster

I know people can relate to this, yet so many denied it, being jealous  is something we all feel at one point or another. It is not a bad emotion yet it is seen as a bad thing, a lot of the time. I have on many occasions had to deal with it and it sucks, but it can drive you and give you the motivation you needed.

I feel I live in the shadows of my family and friends, I suffer with severe phobia anxiety, and struggle keeping up with everything. I am 20 almost 21 years old. I just finished high school and struggle every day to get by. I am stuck watching my family and friends, go on to do great things, My sister has lived and taughtin in Vietnam, is working full time, just got a new car, traveled and the thing that gets me the most; no worries, no fear. I don’t live much because my whole life is fear, I can’t work I am sick almost everyday, I have no energy. I can bake, do nails,hair, modeling, anything, I pick things up fast. The problem is I  cant act on it, I just panic and exiled my self. On top of that all my cousins which are younger then me are in collage and just living life. It is hard not to be a little jealous, It makes you feel that other people are living the life that was yours. I ask myself a lot ” where did I go wrong” It is nothing but frustrating.

The trick to overcome it, is to stay positive and don’t lie about the problems. Be honest and never compain yourself to anyone. Know your time will come. if you wanted it bad enough.

Un-Defined Darkness

She never thought the darkness would define her,

she never thought the shadow lurking in the distance was hers.

Her eyes now hiding her jail inside

but her smile does not go away.

She puts her walls up and locks her demons inside, 

hiding the pain that she feels.

The person that is always  smiling,

always cries her self to sleep.

Her demons pull her beneath the earth,

where her dreams can’t speak and demons taunt.

In the morning she will rise with that smile

but her eyes  tell she is dying.

One night she stared at the dark sky above,

she new her time had come.

she walked into sea and drifted below,

no more pain no more sorrow no more fear,

One thing she never knew was,

 Her demons knew how to swim.

Now drifting along in an un-defind darkness .

 

cropped-cropped-img_0135.jpgMoral of the story is you cant run from your fears because they will find you, face them head on.

Wisdom Teeth Extraction

I’m back, It has been a while since I last posted anything. My life has been very crazy the last little bit, and my health and anxiety have been meh…, I will be making another blog going over what has been going on in the past five months.

On August 15th I overcame something that I had been fearing for the past 2 years, I got five teeth extracted. I have a fear of the dentist because I am so afraid of getting sick and on top of that, I have never had any cavities or any dental work done. The only thing  I have  done with my teeth was braces for three years.

Back in 2014 I ended up cracking my back right bottom moller, yeah I know was not fun. The tooth was cut down in half, and the inside half was all exposed nerves. Due to my dental fear I refused to go in to to get it extracted. After a few months I did not really feel any pain. I got dragged in to get x-rays of it. that was nerve racking non the least.The dentist told me that if i did not get a root cannel i might end up with an infection. He said that i still have no cavities but that tooth ha to be taken care of. I was told they would put me on the laughing gas and it would take only 45 minuets. I was not having it, I bailed out and cancelled the appointment; that was the end of that till June 2016.

Skipping ahead a few years, I decided to get it looked at once again. I was not in a tone of pain but when I ate sweet or had a told drink, I would get sensitivity pain. I was informed that I wont be on my parents medical insurance much longer, because I was not a full time student. I figured that I should just take a breath and have it over and done with. I told my mom that I wanted to make a dentist appointment. She looked at me and had this guilty look on her face, then she told me she booked it already. She was going to tell me the day before so I was not freaking out, and get worked up. I was glad I found out prior, but that was pretty smart of her to try. The day I had to go to my  dentist I was not that afraid, and thats not like me. When I got their the dental hygienist brought me to one of the rooms, I started to feel my heart racing. Once we started talking I was okay, they all new me as I have gone to that office since I was eight. She took the x-rays, and after a few instead, got the full view of the tooth and its root. I asked if my wisdom teeth where in by chance, I new they would be. She saw two on the x-ray she took already, but asked if I wanted the proper x-rays to see what the deal is with them. I went back to another room and got that done, she comes in saying ” you have all four”  my wisdom teeth where sideways. The teeth where not hurting me but I did get some ear pain, but nothing bad. I decided since they are pressing on other teeth, I should just get them out. We made the appointment for the consultation at Coronation, a place in Brantford. It was just a few streets over so it was so convenient for us.

I went into that meeting with confidents and it did help, he answered a lot of my questions and was a caring individual. I told him my fear and he said, he will make sure my mind was at ease. I finished up talking to him, he informed me step by stem what was going to happen the day of extraction. I set the date for September 15 2016, I was starting to get in my head about it so,…. I did what any normal person would do ( Cough, Cough) and went on the wonderful invention that we call Google. Yeah I know, I’m one smart idiot, it did not put my mind at ease.

The day before my appointment I was not able to eat or drink anything after midnight, not a big deal for me. Morning came even  with me wishing it would not. I was a ball on nerves. I was feeling ill, and I was having panic attacks, I was just in tears with fear. I got into the building and waited for someone to call my name. I go back and the one lady was really nice. She was keeping me relaxed and distracted, it helped a bit. The dentist comes in, I was trying not to be to scared. He was so nice saying I will be sleeping and I will be home in no time. We where joking around a little was keeping me out of my head. He left and the other lady put on electrodes and things to watch my blood pressure and heart rate. The alarms on the monitor start going off, my anxiety and heart rate where off the charts. They gave me something for my anxiety and then I woke up in recovery.

I did not remember anything I did not count down or anything I just woke up, it was pretty awesome not to lie. I was numb but not tired, crying or loopy. I just was numb and it was tricky to talk. I was cleared to go, and  before I knew it and was home. I was not tired at all, I think I was awake for about 14 hours after. On the right side of my mouth I had, two bottoms and one top, and on my left I had a top and a bottom removed. 

I have had a rough healing time, saying as it is over three weeks and I still have some pain tells something. I had bad pain mostly on my left side, but I could not get any association for about 3 days. I was on codine T3 pills and pills for an infection. I would rotate hot and cold and was only eating softer foods. I started having issues, going on to week, it was causing a lot of nerve pain and was starting to bleed, I used a medical mouth wash. I had to go back on the T3 pills, I did not like them as they upset my stomach. A few days later I got bad  stomach pain and I was going to go into A&E. I waited it out and it went away. I assumed it was my ulcers acting up from the pain medication I was on.  I missed the Burford Horse show which I was in and the OBRA (Ontario Barrel Racing relief) because of my slow recovery. 

It is now September but even with all of this crazy going on and the pain of it: I am relieved. I no longer have to worry about my broken moller or my wisdom teeth. It is just one less stresser in my life, It was worth getting it all done in one sitting,  instead of going back for it later, when I would have to pay out of pocket. If anyone had to get it done, it is no big deal. I I can do it, I know you can.

 

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