Well I guess things cant run smooth forever, I have been battling anxiety so bad the last few days. Stopped going out in the daytime, which proves hard because I am working two jobs right now. I have been doing morning and night feedings at the farm and working at Movati Gym when I am not at the farm. I have not been able to sleep or eat. when I eat I feel sick and seems to be one speed bump after another. I feel my self going down old paths,and I don’t like it.
I was doing so good for a few months, went out with people, started rock climbing, was riding more and last Feb started working again after 4 years off. I am tired of feeling like this, tired of having a few good days and then crashing. I don’t even think people really care. feel like I just get in the way of other peoples happiness. Feel so useless, I know people care but my health and anxiety is hard on others too. I hate feeling like a burden but in all honastly I can be at times. I bust my ass working right now but still have no saving or extra money set aside for future me, I just want to be farther in life… but i’m not!
This post is something I have been trying to wright for sometime… Years ago I lost a great man, someone not worth forgetting, my grandfather.
One of the stories my mom told me and tells me is that, once he got very sick and was in the hospital, at the time I had just been born. she told me there was a pitcher of Teanna and myself on a table by his bed. Due to health risk they had to take all of the stuff out of the room he was in. When one of the nurses tried to take the photos he freaked and as not having it. After fighting it out she said let me at least put them un a bag and I will but them back up. My mom and everyone at that time thought he was going to pass on. He was not ready to go though, he was a tough man to take out. He made it back home and not much was said to me after that.
As the years moved on so did we we moved over an hour and a half away from Welland so my dad could work at Toyota. was rough left behind some really close friends and one not so nice bully. A couple times a year we would go visite and he would always make us eggs, and as always the dog got half of his. My grandma would get so mad and be yelling his name from across the kitchen.
As time went on it shined brightly burning down everything in its rays, Time was not his friend time was not great full for all he has done, all the happniss he brought to us grand kids. A long battle with Alzheimers & Dementia cripples his life and all arounds. the only time I personaly saw him happy is his visites with us up at the horse farm where I was taking lessons. He would give them treats and pet them all walking through the fields. Seeing him like that ( Happy ) made me so great full he was in our life’s. Once at my sisters horse show he has an innocent and we took him home. but he was able to track there the barn was and remember where to go and got out neighbour to drive him back, to cheer her on. What a true grandfather that day blew me away.
The years following where the hardest multiple suicidal attempts, still loved the horses and his dog. But he was not himself, years years laster after christmas he was taken to the hospital for i believe an impaction. We did not think he would make it out of surgery… but he did; but he was gone. we knew he would never be able to leave their we all knew. a month later in March he starved him self to heath and passed away.
That whole time he was in the I he wanted me to just visit, but this dam anxiety kills you i tell you. I let my own self STOP ME from saying good but in person. I was getting in the car to see him when I got the call he just passed. I will never forgive my self for not seeing him alive , and what I did see shocked me so much.He was a pile of just bones and skin, eyes still open. he always remembered me and wanted to speak to him. I WILL NEVER GET THAT CHANCE NOW, and letting go of it is not going to ever happen. I feel so much guilt for not being down there with him. I always wonder ifI make him proud and I do believer he is here or out their somewhere with no more hurt. the hardest part is knowing I will never see his face amain ,,,,, and I miss him so much.
Most girls my age are out at the bar, having fun, going to the bar on there days off, not me though. I love sitting here with no one around. I do love people and I got my friends but, I just love feeling so free in my own house. I am safe here and don’t have to worry about what anyone thinks. It is peaceful and a little sad.