“You May Not Remember, But I Always Will

This post is something I have been trying to wright for sometime… Years ago I lost a great man, someone not worth forgetting, my grandfather.

One of the stories my mom told me and tells me is that, once he got very sick and was in the hospital, at the time I had just been born. she told me there was a pitcher of Teanna and myself on a table by his bed. Due to health risk they had to take all of the stuff out of the room he was in. When one of the nurses tried to take the photos he freaked and as not having it. After fighting it out she said let me at least put them un a bag and I will but them back up. My mom and everyone at that time thought he was going to pass on. He was not ready to go though, he was a tough man to take out. He made it back home and not much was said to me after that.

As the years moved on so did we we moved over an hour and a half away from Welland so my dad could work at Toyota. was rough left behind some really close friends and one not so nice bully. A couple times a year we would go visite and he would always make us eggs, and as always the dog got half of his. My grandma would get so mad and be yelling his name from across the kitchen.

As time went on it shined brightly burning down everything in its rays, Time was not his friend time was not great full for all he has done, all the happniss he brought to us grand kids. A long battle with Alzheimers & Dementia cripples his life and all arounds. the only time I personaly saw him happy is his visites with us up at the horse farm where I was taking lessons. He would give them treats and pet them all walking through the fields. Seeing him like that ( Happy ) made me so great full he was in our life’s. Once at my sisters horse show he has an innocent and we took him home. but he was able to track there the barn was and remember where to go and got out neighbour to drive him back, to cheer her on. What a true grandfather that day blew me away.

The years following where the hardest multiple  suicidal attempts, still loved the horses and his dog. But he was not himself, years years laster after christmas he was taken to the hospital for i believe an impaction. We did not think he would make it out of surgery… but he did; but he was gone. we knew he would never be able to leave their we all knew. a month later in March he starved him self to heath and passed away.

That whole time he was in the I he wanted me to just visit, but this dam anxiety kills you i tell you. I let my own self STOP ME  from saying good but in person. I was getting in the car to see him when I got the call he just passed. I will never forgive my self for not seeing him alive , and what I did see shocked me so much.He was a pile of just bones and skin, eyes still open. he always remembered me and wanted to speak to him. I WILL NEVER GET THAT CHANCE NOW, and letting go of it is not going to ever happen. I feel so much guilt for not being down there with him. I always wonder ifI make him proud and I do believer he is here or out their somewhere with no more hurt.   the hardest part is knowing I will never see his face amain ,,,,, and I miss him so much.

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Name Change “Fear Nothing be a White Shark”

I have decided to go but one of the more sharpest and tough creatures I know and a huge passion for me. The new name of the blog is ” Fear Nothing , Be a white Shark I will still be keeping old name around on some post, but this is more fitting and just did the logo. love all you sharks, fear nothing and “good morning”

“But..The Doctor Said Im fine? “

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Every time I am stuck going to my not so pleasant “doctor” ” I use that term lightly because he should not call him self that. He as most ask the basic questions “whats seems to be the problem?” “how have you been feeling?”

“Well doctor let me tell you!” I’m sick everyday, I got anxiety so bad that I feel frozen; to afraid to tell people in an attack, i’m in pain all the time and depression takes over any sort of life I have. Every time I go to the hospital, because god forbid I was too go to him.  they the “real doctors” give me what I need, real health care.

I have NOF in my bones in my Left Tibia bone below my knee that might or could turn cancerous, I am on and off pain from it and the pain has spread to my ribs, fingers and spine. When I went to my Dr 8 years ago for it I was sent for X-rays, then went back into his office….. wast of F*#ken time I tell you. You know how they tell you not to go on WEBMD well he googled what it was because he did not know what it was or how to tell me. Then later went on to say his son had something like it….? I was confused on why he did not know much about it then. He finally sent me to someone who knew more about it, did more test and I decided to wait it out to see if it gets worse…. it did or (has); and moving on, to the anxiety and depression. My Doctor blamed ANYTHING wrong on my mental health with out even checking anything that could of been causing the problem. I could of gone in with my face ripped off and he would say “your fine just anxiety” many times I went in their really sick and in pain and he said ” its just your anxiety” oh I could of hit him, and been like ” oh don’t worry just knocking seance into you… your fine now”. Now I am not saying his name because its a privacy thing,….. I’m not that much of a dick. My Doctor had me on sertraline stronger vs of Zoloft as well as the standerd Zoloft, trial for Trintellix, probably a few of the ones for depression, even though I did not have Depression at the time. He has me or 1.5 mg Lorazapam (Ativan) and I take three .05  (Clonazepam) Klonopin to sleep. Then on my own I have to take about four to five Gravol a day down From ten though.. so better on that at least. His logic is through pills at the problem they will help. One at morning one at night and 5 through the day because they become a dependance thing!!!. I also need to take Iron pills because i’m anemic.

After years (eight) to be more specific I started getting unbearable pain in my abdominal, that would start as a light burning feeling to it feeling as though some person took a acid torch to my stomach, then all abdominal. It would start in the AM and by PM I broke down could not take it had to go to emergency, and i’m not one to just jump to hospital.. not as an adult that is #Anxiety-life.  It was so bad I had so many panic attacks and my heart rate and blood pressure where scary. I was setting off alarms. The Dr said that my white blood count was doubled and it happened at least 6 times where they say that to me. They wanted to run an MRI and CT scan I refused because of anxiety. They gave me stuff for the pain and anxiety and after 7 hours,.. I was sent home, but had to come back the next morning for more test as they where very worried. Spent another five to six hours their at BGH our little shitty hospital. We came to the conclusion it was my stomach ulcers from the medication I have been taking for eight years. The thing is the Gravel helped but with also the 8 years of taking Sertraline (at 100 mg) but it was such a strong harsh pill that it ate through my stomach lining. Every other time I took it I was curled up in pain for at least four hours, but to me it was worth it because it helped.

I now do work at a gym but sometimes, I am in so much pain standing up is impossible. It has got to the point that I don’t know what it is like to not hurt or feel no pain … it’s weird to me. I cant even eat anymore my mom told me yesterday worried *TRIGGER* “you look anorexic, your face or something” I went from eating crap food but like 200 cal a day to maybe max 500 cal a day. Sometimes I don’t get a chance to eat, and I do go out and i’m an active person. I rock climb few times a weeks, Ride horses a lot, teach riding lessons and work out about three times a week in a gym setting at Movati Athetic. I lost 20 lbs in less then a few months, but at this point my doctor wont do anything!!! but send me for the same old test. I will never here from him after that, well in less I call him;  and cant trust his word, anyhow. I am so fed up, does not help that appointments alone are massive anxiety triggers for me! Wish I was that girl I once was but i’m 21 now and i’m not.

download-4Still in limbo with my health and I hate where i’m at with it. Just because one looks as though they made progress, does not really mean they have made it mentally. I also apologize for bad spelling or grammar. It is not my strong suit but working on it. During the day I try and stay busy and positive but nights get wonky for me, massive insomniac as you can tell i am writing this at 5 am- 6am

This is my outlet and i’m trying to keep this up as much as I need to, and I hope I can get others reading to spread the word on health, world issues, and how it is handled by people and the government.  If anyone read to the end i’m proud of you and no matter what you are going through you are moved and cared about, because we are all in this together BABY STEPS as i’m told