Anxiety makes a Comeback

Well I guess things cant run smooth forever, I have been battling anxiety so bad the last few days. Stopped going out in the daytime, which proves hard because I am working two jobs right now. I have been doing morning and night feedings at the farm and working at Movati Gym when I am not at the farm. I have not been able to sleep or eat. when I eat I feel sick and seems to be one speed bump after another. I feel my self going down old paths,and I don’t like it.

I was doing so good for a few months, went out with people, started rock climbing, was riding more and last Feb started working again after 4 years off. I am tired of feeling like this, tired of having a few good days and then crashing. I don’t even think people really care. feel like I just get in the way of other peoples happiness. Feel so useless, I know people care but my health and anxiety is hard on others too. I hate feeling like a burden but in all honastly I can be at times.  I bust my ass working right now but still have no saving or extra money set aside for future me, I just want to be farther in life… but i’m not!

“You May Not Remember, But I Always Will

This post is something I have been trying to wright for sometime… Years ago I lost a great man, someone not worth forgetting, my grandfather.

One of the stories my mom told me and tells me is that, once he got very sick and was in the hospital, at the time I had just been born. she told me there was a pitcher of Teanna and myself on a table by his bed. Due to health risk they had to take all of the stuff out of the room he was in. When one of the nurses tried to take the photos he freaked and as not having it. After fighting it out she said let me at least put them un a bag and I will but them back up. My mom and everyone at that time thought he was going to pass on. He was not ready to go though, he was a tough man to take out. He made it back home and not much was said to me after that.

As the years moved on so did we we moved over an hour and a half away from Welland so my dad could work at Toyota. was rough left behind some really close friends and one not so nice bully. A couple times a year we would go visite and he would always make us eggs, and as always the dog got half of his. My grandma would get so mad and be yelling his name from across the kitchen.

As time went on it shined brightly burning down everything in its rays, Time was not his friend time was not great full for all he has done, all the happniss he brought to us grand kids. A long battle with Alzheimers & Dementia cripples his life and all arounds. the only time I personaly saw him happy is his visites with us up at the horse farm where I was taking lessons. He would give them treats and pet them all walking through the fields. Seeing him like that ( Happy ) made me so great full he was in our life’s. Once at my sisters horse show he has an innocent and we took him home. but he was able to track there the barn was and remember where to go and got out neighbour to drive him back, to cheer her on. What a true grandfather that day blew me away.

The years following where the hardest multiple  suicidal attempts, still loved the horses and his dog. But he was not himself, years years laster after christmas he was taken to the hospital for i believe an impaction. We did not think he would make it out of surgery… but he did; but he was gone. we knew he would never be able to leave their we all knew. a month later in March he starved him self to heath and passed away.

That whole time he was in the I he wanted me to just visit, but this dam anxiety kills you i tell you. I let my own self STOP ME  from saying good but in person. I was getting in the car to see him when I got the call he just passed. I will never forgive my self for not seeing him alive , and what I did see shocked me so much.He was a pile of just bones and skin, eyes still open. he always remembered me and wanted to speak to him. I WILL NEVER GET THAT CHANCE NOW, and letting go of it is not going to ever happen. I feel so much guilt for not being down there with him. I always wonder ifI make him proud and I do believer he is here or out their somewhere with no more hurt.   the hardest part is knowing I will never see his face amain ,,,,, and I miss him so much.

Love being alone

Most girls my age are out at the bar, having fun, going to the bar on there days off, not me though. I love sitting here with no one around. I do love people and I got my friends but, I just love feeling so free in my own house. I am safe here and don’t have to worry about what anyone thinks. It is peaceful and a little sad.

Name Change “Fear Nothing be a White Shark”

I have decided to go but one of the more sharpest and tough creatures I know and a huge passion for me. The new name of the blog is ” Fear Nothing , Be a white Shark I will still be keeping old name around on some post, but this is more fitting and just did the logo. love all you sharks, fear nothing and “good morning”

WE Sharks Are Family

 I want to make this not just a place that people come to read, I want this page to be a little family.  We are there for each other, help people through the tough places in life, and  EVERYONE is welcome,  Comment share your stories change your life for the better and get to see here from people going through the same stuff. I would love to start a youtube vlog channal where people share, but only those who want to. I am sick and tired how the world treats up. because you cant see the problem does not mean its not there. I know this may take a long time to get off the ground but hope to get some people involved. love you all sharks. We can fight through anything, hope to here some of your stories  

Why “Down The Rabbit Hole”?

This will be short, I named it “Down the Rabbit Hole” because I like to talk about things that are say.. “Taboo” things most hide under the so called rug for truth and life. I figured going down the so called tunnel of truth would be perfect. plus huge fan of the movies and Harry Potter! 

I am a very open person and all I want to do is help others and vent with out driving my friends crazy. 

Love all you, your all “mighty sharks” attack what gets in your path out their, always believe in your self and trust your gut love you. and if any one wants me to start up my youtube channel let me know and i will do so and tell me what you want to see.  *Always a way*

If I Died Today

      Everyday she wakes up gets out of bed, puts on some music as she gets ready for a day she don’t want to start. Does her hair and make up, not that anyone really notices she tried. Gets into the car and drives fast to work, not that she is in a rush to get anywhere. Starts her shift and always has that happy smile on her face. No one knows the true her, no one knows the fear, pain and hurt she feels. HOPELESS,DYING, but no one cares to really step in and help. It’s not like she would let anyone any how. She feels stuck trapped, like she is going no where. Working a low paying dead-end job that pays enough to help her buy her medication, to keep working that dead end shit job. As the time passes she wonders if it is worth it. Knowing people love her jeep her alive, but feeling trapped and lost have killed her light, once shining. She gets hope from work, turns on the Tv and wonders “That the He%$” am I too do now” thinks to hr self “what if I died today” just be done. No matter how much she fights no matter how much she pushes through, she ALWAYS fails and has to start over. when is it time to give up. she sits there looks at the bottle of pills that could so easily end all her pain, all the suffering and struggle. but she gets up and yells “NOT TODAY”