As you know I have a huge fear of working, anytime I thought of work I would feel so sick and light headed. Now I am working at Movati athletics, it is such a change for me but I love it. I also get a free membership to the club, so work out after my shift. I am making my own money now and I don’t have to depend on anyone. Never give up hope you never know how fast things can change for the better.
I have not been posting like I have wanted too but… on a more positive note, I had a job interview. Today I had a interview at an amazing gym called Movati, I have been out of work due to anxiety… well beside farm work. I decided to step well out of my comfort zone and apply, I new I needed to start taking chances. It is going to be hard but i will enjoy working again. It goes to show you that even if you are feeling hopeless you can still push through. it is the first steps I find the hardest. get through that and get through anything.
Been dealing with a lot and have been trying to find ways to cope, to improve my quality of life. The one thing I have done is join a chat room, people are so support of. I believe it is important to my well being to reach out to people who understand. Family and friends can help but they cant truly relate, that is if they don’t have the same issue. If you are looking to get help but want to stay home, look up anxiety/ depression chat groups. It helps trust me even if you just want to talk about other stuff unrelated.
Okay so this post is going to be a bit of a rant! have you ever just wanted to give up have you ever just questioned life, Do you ever wonder “why me? “. What have I done to put me in this situation, where did I screw up?. Do you ever just feel like all you do is cause hurt and pain to people. You know people love you but you still feel like they are better off without you?
I would love for this to be my typical post where I turn around and make a bad situation good, say ” good things are just hiding around the corner, you just have to seek them”. I’m not though, for the first time I cant find the good in this… In this anxiety!
I cant see the point in life we just live to die, and in the middle we all go through so much good and bad but in the end we don’t remember any of it. I here all the time from people ” just change your thinking” or ‘get help”. No matter how hard you try to get them to understand it is way more complicated. My own father thinks i’m just a lowlife thinks i’m lazy and do nothing. He is the first to judge me and the first to tell me what to do, but not willing to be there and take and be a father. In his eyes I am going no where and he wants to put a timeline on my recovery. He makes me feel like I have de-railed his life, i’m sure I did but don’t take my battle and make it yours. Don’t act like you have helped me when all you do is bitch, about how hard it is for you when you don’t allow me to tell you how hard it is for me. He will always be my dad and I like him but I don’t need this but I cant change or move out. If it where not for friends and my mom I don’t know what I would do.
I don’t know if things will ever change for me, you can want something so bad and love things and people so much and never be good enough for anything never be good enough for your self. The truth of it is people what to tell you how to live and recover but not put in the effort or really care. no one thinking of how much pain they caused until after the fact. you can only get better if you want to and it takes so much fight to do that. Sadly not everyone wants to fight forever. I feel so lost.
So once again been a while, I think my last post was back in October and its now January 2017. I want to talk about my plans, as we know The typical new year new me.
This year I want to start working again and overcome a large portion of my anxiety. I am done with this rut I am stuck in. I will be happy if I can just improve even if just a little. I am exited to see where the year is gonna bring me.
Been a while since my last post but a lot has been going on, last night I went through a break up, It ended the same way as my last one. It ended over facebook and both where about 7 months in. I cant help but feel hurt because it was out of the blue and we are still friends.
Why do people think it is right to act like everything is perfect and fine, then hours later say they have no time. Why cant people talk to your face about personal matters. I guess I should of known, I knew that we where not going to work long term but does not hurt any less.
Why is it so hard for people to talk in a way that is not through a cell phone or computer. It is just respect when it takes place twice it gets me thinking, could I have changed anything. I wont change me I love me but I could of made more time and all of the things like that I would change.
So today I happened to wonder about facebook we all know that site, well a video popped up. It was called when animals attack, lets get real here the people called for it. I herd someone say the show should be called when stupid people get close to dangerous animals. Its like when people go into the ocean and get attacked by a shark then give the shark a bad name, well my friend the shark was here before people ever where. We know they are hunters so are people. If you do things like that you cant blame the shark or whatever animals space that is being invaded.
Another video I came across is people on a bite ride who stop and see horses in a pasture (field) they just keep forcing them self closer and closer. Every time the horse backs off and pins his ears, you can clearly tell even if you know jack all about them, that the gelding was not okay with the strangers. After about a half hour of being bugged by them, the horse lunges at them, and bites. they call the horse phyco and crazy. no my friend it was their fault and the horse was simply saying he had enough. The horse did not attack nor was he being unpredictable, he gave clear signals to back off that where being ignored. I would also like to note that the gelding ran off after this he did not keep attacking and the guy was not even bleeding.
people need to learn to read the situation then act on it accordingly, just be smart about your choices. If you make bad choices just own up to them with out blaming others. I find people are the most dangerous. and half of the bad outcomes we in-counter could of been avoided, if one would of used the brain they clam to have.