This Is Life Or Is It?.. Your Choice!

Okay so this post is going to be a bit of a rant! have you ever just wanted to give up have you ever just questioned life, Do you ever wonder “why me? “. What have I done to put me in this situation, where did I screw up?. Do you ever just feel like all you do is cause hurt and pain to people. You know people love you but you still feel like they are better off without you?

I would love for this to be my typical post where I turn around and make a bad situation good, say ” good things are just hiding around the corner, you just have to seek them”. I’m not though, for the first time  I cant find the good in this… In this anxiety!

I cant see the point in life we just live to die, and  in the middle we all go through so much good and bad but in the end we don’t remember any of it. I here all the time from people ” just change your thinking” or ‘get help”. No matter how hard you try to get them to understand it is way more complicated. My own father thinks i’m just a lowlife thinks i’m lazy and do nothing. He is the first to judge me and the first to tell me what to do, but not willing to be there and take and be a father. In his eyes I am going no where and he wants to put a timeline on my recovery. He makes me feel like I have de-railed his life, i’m sure I did but don’t take my battle and make it yours. Don’t act like you have helped me when all you do is bitch, about how hard it is for you when you don’t allow me to tell you how hard it is for me. He will always be my dad and I like him but I don’t need this but I cant change or move out. If it where not for friends and my mom I don’t know what I would do.

I don’t know if things will ever change for me, you can want something so bad and love things and people so much and never be good enough for anything never be good enough for your self. The truth of it is people what to tell you how to live and recover but not put in the effort or really care. no one thinking of how much pain they caused until after the fact. you can only get better if you want to and it takes so much fight to do that. Sadly not everyone wants to fight forever. I feel so lost.

 

 

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New year New Me

So once again been a while, I think my last post was back in October and its now January 2017. I want to talk about my plans, as we know The typical new year new me.

This year I want to start working again and overcome a large portion of my anxiety. I am done with this rut I am stuck in. I will be happy if I can just improve even if just a little.  I am exited to see where the year is gonna bring me.

Blind Side

Been a while since my last post but a lot has been going on, last night I went through a break up, It ended the same way as my last one. It ended over facebook and both where about 7 months in. I cant help but feel hurt because it was out of the blue and we are still friends.

Why do people think it is right to act like everything is perfect and fine, then hours later say they have no time. Why cant people talk to your face about personal matters. I guess I should of known, I knew that we where not going to work long term but does not hurt any less.

Why is it so hard for people to talk in a way that is not through a cell phone or computer. It is just respect when it takes place twice it gets me thinking, could I have changed anything. I wont change me I love me but I could of made more time and all of the things like that I would change.

 

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Reading The Signs

So today I happened to wonder about facebook we all know that site, well a video popped up. It was called when animals attack, lets get real here the people called for it. I herd someone say the show should be called when stupid people get close to dangerous animals. Its like when people go into the ocean and get attacked by a shark then give the shark a bad name, well my friend the shark was here before people ever where. We know they are hunters so are people. If you do things like that you cant blame the shark or whatever animals space that is being invaded.

Another video I came across is people on a bite ride who stop and see horses in a pasture (field) they just keep forcing them self closer and closer. Every time the horse backs off and pins his ears, you can clearly tell even if you know jack all about them, that the gelding was not okay with the strangers. After about a half hour of being bugged by them, the horse lunges at them, and bites. they call the horse phyco and crazy. no my friend it was their fault and the horse was simply saying he had enough. The horse did not attack nor was he being unpredictable, he gave clear signals to back off that where being ignored. I would also like to note that the gelding ran off after this he did not keep attacking and the guy was not even bleeding.

 

people need to learn to read the situation then act on it accordingly, just be smart about your choices. If you make bad choices just own up to them with out blaming others. I find people are the most dangerous. and half of the bad outcomes we in-counter could of been avoided, if one would of used the brain they clam to have.

 

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Cold Reflection

Do you know what it’s like to watch your future die, what its like to feel your life slip away?

Do you know what it’s like to feel as though someone is holding you down,.. under water as they sit and watch you strive for air?

slowly watching the bubbles stop. 

Do you know the cold grasp of death?

do you feel it lurking below?

hoping and waiting for you to slip into it.

Cold to the touch with faded eyes and icy hair, drifting into the darkness once her disquise.

Once a livly sole, now fadding to the darkness for her demonds to take 

Her weary self now at rest, she finilly gets a break from the pain she caused her self.

drowning her life below the sea

she reliszed the face that killed her was ! hers…

 

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My life, My Passion

Everyone has something, Some do crafts some do sports, some listen to music and so on. What drives you, what motivates you and what makes you happier then anything. For me it is riding, it keeps me sane and it keeps me focused on what I want.

It is true riding is very dangerous and despite what many think it is one of the harder sports you can do. It looks like we sit there but we use muscles the whole time we are moving. riding is like running  a race mixed with jumping things, one or 2 laps around are you will be out of breath. One mistake can tell if you live or die, when you come to a barrel you need to find your pocket, the space where you start to turn your body in and get the arch around the turn. if you turn in to much you will hit the barrel going 50 mph, yeah not fun I gashed open my tibia bone and fractured it just turning to sharp. I turned only an inch to soon and it caused 3 months healing and 7 stitches. I went up to a jump this year 3,6 ft tall and 2.4 ft wide, I was not able to ( collect ) his stride I got to the take off spot half a stride to early. we ended up cought in the jump, he landed on top of me 1200 lbs of him. a cracked rip and a ripped calf and thigh muscle and a hyper extended knee , with a concussion. People say we look like we sit their farther from the truth but that is what we want people to see. if it looked hard we would not be doing it.

Riding is something that has given me a distraction from life, it is my drug. I love my guy I got him at 7 he was scared and un broke, I was un healthy and getting sicker. he saved my life and I saved his. now look where we are. He is my rock and shows me how things can turn around with work and time.

Everyone has a passion something that drives you. something no one will understand. It can be anything you love. What drives you? what do you love?..IMG_0136.jpg

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Everyday she wakes up knowing she will have to start the day, She is just going through the motions every morning. She tries her best every day, but even when she wins she fails. Stuck inside this life, lost, broken scared. Her wold is crashing down on her he hope is  gone. She is living with a monster who lives to take her down. Yelling and screaming ” you’re not good enough”. He sucks the life out of her failing to see the damage he’s done. Playing the victim  and turning the cards, her life is gone to the demon with in. No way out, broken and beaten down, she has given up but he can not see. One day she slips away at night and her demon has won and he life was gone.

 

 

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Family?

The person that is suppose to love you, care for you and be their for you never is. One of my biggest struggles in life is my health and anxiety. I have not had the support from all of my family members, most yes but not all.

My dad and me have had a very strained relationship from the very beginning, he is still my dad and all but sadly very detached from emotions. I feel he always looks at me as a disappointment, I don’t blame him, I am. Nothing I do will ever meet his standards and probably won’t. I am the one, to him that sits on my ass and does nothings, I am the one that is going nowhere, whats the point of me. I love me but nothing I do is ever good enough. I can try and try and I will fail. I feel so hopeless, every time I am up I come crashing down.

Everyday I wake up sick or in pain, everyday I have no energy to do anything.  I want to do so much an to him its my fault I can’t. I have been to Doctors after Doctors and never get any answers or help. After 6 years of this I takes a toll, people see me as this funny person who always positive. It is a lie,,,I am not happy, I love me and I try to keep a good head on my shoulders, but after being taken down everyday, it gets hard. I find that everyday I need to find more reasons to fight and stay positive.

My dad always puts me under so much stress I don’t know how You can take down your own child whit so much hate, when he gets into a argument with someone in my house, I am the one that gets the blunt load of it. I just feel trapped , to top it off he plays the victim. The one who has a good paying job, a loving wife a nice house, friends and food that is always on the table is the victim. he is the bully not the one who can pull that card. if he was us he would not even last a day. He is my dad and all but at the same time he just makes everything harder. So much hate everyday so much pain and hear tells me I need him but I don’t need hate and I don’t need to be bullied. he will tell you he is trying to motivate you and help but helping is not hate or yelling. it is coming up and talking things through and coming up with a plan. it is not coming up with a order it is not making your child FEAR! you.

I am being forced be normal yet cant, I have anxiety, I struggle to maintain a job and do normal things. yet I can no longer stay at my house with out shame and hate. My mom is the most supportive person I know, and I know the stress of this is hard for her. I just don’t know what do to anymore. I need a reason to stay positive, I don’t want to be a berden to my family or others. I just hope that one day it will end and be better, one day I hope to live a normal life.

 

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Grand Bend Ontario

 

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A while back, I believe it was July, My sister and me took a day trip to Pinery/ Grand bend, two hour drive for us. For me with my anxiety I was not sure how the day would un-fold. As a child we use to go their and it is beautiful, The water looks like Cuba water, so clear. It is on lake Huron, it is the best out of the great lakes, because the poullution is minimal. 

After a long drive and getting lost in the park we finally found a trail to hike, The first trail was the shortest maybe 45 min hike tops. The best part is all the trails go out to a look out point and as with most provincial trails, you get to learn a bit about it at the end at the look out. Pinery is known for deer and other wildlife and a great spot to bird watch. after the trail we got some food then headed to the beach. the water was very icy cold but the water as clear as could be, no rocks or anything but sand in the water. once we adjusted to the cold water we went very far out. most fun I have had in a while and a good girls trip for sure. we did some yoga and gymnastics on the beach then left to do something else. Back at the main area we decided to go canoeing on the Ausable River. went for about an hour then we headed back to the docks. Once back, Teanna and I grabbed some snacks and then wanted to do more trails, we are big for hiking. We managed to get 2 hour long trails done and all leading out to the Ausable Channel. The sun was setting and was time to head home a bitter sweet end to the day. I saw how beautiful the sunset was so se stopped and ran up the sand dunes, very hard by the way. I needed to get pictured of the beautiful sunset.10 pm now and a two and a bit drive we headed out.

For me I was very sad to leave, I love adventure and going back to an old child hood destination; but due to my health I struggle greatly with it. I don’t get the same chances to go out and do things like that, I have more to think of and plan then most do. We are thinking of moving up that way now to live their year round, I hope it is something we do. Truly is a beautiful spot and I hope everyone gets a chance to visit their. 

 

*Trails to hike are, The bittersweet Trail, Hickory Trail, Heritage Trail, and Riverside Trail.

 

My youtube channel Kat Dorsey have the vlog from that day cheers!img_5768

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Me

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#Delete

 

She always said that it would not happen to her, that she was to smart to be hurt and disrespected like that, she believed she would never get put in that situation because she was never in that part of town. she never thought she would be wrong, until she was.

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 she was only 16, a fun loving, honest, bubbly person but a little to trusting and naive for her own good. Her friends and her soon meet this guy, seemed like a nice fellow, but it was just a disguise. one day on the road something seemed off, he pulled off to the side and snorted a line. She had no idea what to do, the tension and anxiety grew. what choice did she have, over an hour from home? back on the road another hour went by the girl had no clue what to do. Trapped with a guy who she thought was a friend, turned out to be a disguised junkie. she tossed and turned the rest of the night then told him to pack up they are heading home.

The drive was cold and stormy nothing but the rain hitting the car roof, he pulled over one time as a cop went by, she could feel her heart just pound inside, wanting to be home, waiting to get out of the car. 

That night she lied awake thinking of the choices she made, hoping for things to change. She told her self no more talking to him but she needed to get around; and was the only one with a car. A few weeks went by and it all seemed to be normal and all good, until one night after work she needed a ride. She did not want to walk in the cold rain. The two went for a short cruise around town, then went back to her place for a night cap and TV. 

She thought she was safe, what could do wrong , It was her house and they where not alone. She had a few drinks while watching TV, he keep pouring saying one more just one more. She said time to go but she had no control, he would not take no for an answer. She could not fight him and he carried her up stairs. she tried to scream but no words came out, no one could here. 

The next morning she woke in disbelief, but the worst was over… or so she thought. A day went by she thought she was fine, till one night she fell ill. A few weeks went by and she could hardly move, something was wrong she had no clue. Her mom took her in weak as can be, but the doctors had no idea. A few hours went by then something showed up a liver infection that cant be undone. She drank so much on that fateful night, 4 years later and it still haunts her at night. Her life now run by fear and pain, hoping, wishing, dreaming she could just press DELETE, but life is not a computer you cant just simply #…DELETE.

Moral of the story don’t live in the past, always move ahead and remember shitty things can happen to anyone so always be safe.

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