“But..The Doctor Said Im fine? “

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Every time I am stuck going to my not so pleasant “doctor” ” I use that term lightly because he should not call him self that. He as most ask the basic questions “whats seems to be the problem?” “how have you been feeling?”

“Well doctor let me tell you!” I’m sick everyday, I got anxiety so bad that I feel frozen; to afraid to tell people in an attack, i’m in pain all the time and depression takes over any sort of life I have. Every time I go to the hospital, because god forbid I was too go to him.  they the “real doctors” give me what I need, real health care.

I have NOF in my bones in my Left Tibia bone below my knee that might or could turn cancerous, I am on and off pain from it and the pain has spread to my ribs, fingers and spine. When I went to my Dr 8 years ago for it I was sent for X-rays, then went back into his office….. wast of F*#ken time I tell you. You know how they tell you not to go on WEBMD well he googled what it was because he did not know what it was or how to tell me. Then later went on to say his son had something like it….? I was confused on why he did not know much about it then. He finally sent me to someone who knew more about it, did more test and I decided to wait it out to see if it gets worse…. it did or (has); and moving on, to the anxiety and depression. My Doctor blamed ANYTHING wrong on my mental health with out even checking anything that could of been causing the problem. I could of gone in with my face ripped off and he would say “your fine just anxiety” many times I went in their really sick and in pain and he said ” its just your anxiety” oh I could of hit him, and been like ” oh don’t worry just knocking seance into you… your fine now”. Now I am not saying his name because its a privacy thing,….. I’m not that much of a dick. My Doctor had me on sertraline stronger vs of Zoloft as well as the standerd Zoloft, trial for Trintellix, probably a few of the ones for depression, even though I did not have Depression at the time. He has me or 1.5 mg Lorazapam (Ativan) and I take three .05  (Clonazepam) Klonopin to sleep. Then on my own I have to take about four to five Gravol a day down From ten though.. so better on that at least. His logic is through pills at the problem they will help. One at morning one at night and 5 through the day because they become a dependance thing!!!. I also need to take Iron pills because i’m anemic.

After years (eight) to be more specific I started getting unbearable pain in my abdominal, that would start as a light burning feeling to it feeling as though some person took a acid torch to my stomach, then all abdominal. It would start in the AM and by PM I broke down could not take it had to go to emergency, and i’m not one to just jump to hospital.. not as an adult that is #Anxiety-life.  It was so bad I had so many panic attacks and my heart rate and blood pressure where scary. I was setting off alarms. The Dr said that my white blood count was doubled and it happened at least 6 times where they say that to me. They wanted to run an MRI and CT scan I refused because of anxiety. They gave me stuff for the pain and anxiety and after 7 hours,.. I was sent home, but had to come back the next morning for more test as they where very worried. Spent another five to six hours their at BGH our little shitty hospital. We came to the conclusion it was my stomach ulcers from the medication I have been taking for eight years. The thing is the Gravel helped but with also the 8 years of taking Sertraline (at 100 mg) but it was such a strong harsh pill that it ate through my stomach lining. Every other time I took it I was curled up in pain for at least four hours, but to me it was worth it because it helped.

I now do work at a gym but sometimes, I am in so much pain standing up is impossible. It has got to the point that I don’t know what it is like to not hurt or feel no pain … it’s weird to me. I cant even eat anymore my mom told me yesterday worried *TRIGGER* “you look anorexic, your face or something” I went from eating crap food but like 200 cal a day to maybe max 500 cal a day. Sometimes I don’t get a chance to eat, and I do go out and i’m an active person. I rock climb few times a weeks, Ride horses a lot, teach riding lessons and work out about three times a week in a gym setting at Movati Athetic. I lost 20 lbs in less then a few months, but at this point my doctor wont do anything!!! but send me for the same old test. I will never here from him after that, well in less I call him;  and cant trust his word, anyhow. I am so fed up, does not help that appointments alone are massive anxiety triggers for me! Wish I was that girl I once was but i’m 21 now and i’m not.

download-4Still in limbo with my health and I hate where i’m at with it. Just because one looks as though they made progress, does not really mean they have made it mentally. I also apologize for bad spelling or grammar. It is not my strong suit but working on it. During the day I try and stay busy and positive but nights get wonky for me, massive insomniac as you can tell i am writing this at 5 am- 6am

This is my outlet and i’m trying to keep this up as much as I need to, and I hope I can get others reading to spread the word on health, world issues, and how it is handled by people and the government.  If anyone read to the end i’m proud of you and no matter what you are going through you are moved and cared about, because we are all in this together BABY STEPS as i’m told

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Un-Defined Darkness

She never thought the darkness would define her,

she never thought the shadow lurking in the distance was hers.

Her eyes now hiding her jail inside

but her smile does not go away.

She puts her walls up and locks her demons inside, 

hiding the pain that she feels.

The person that is always  smiling,

always cries her self to sleep.

Her demons pull her beneath the earth,

where her dreams can’t speak and demons taunt.

In the morning she will rise with that smile

but her eyes  tell she is dying.

One night she stared at the dark sky above,

she new her time had come.

she walked into sea and drifted below,

no more pain no more sorrow no more fear,

One thing she never knew was,

 Her demons knew how to swim.

Now drifting along in an un-defind darkness .

 

cropped-cropped-img_0135.jpgMoral of the story is you cant run from your fears because they will find you, face them head on.

Wisdom Teeth Extraction

I’m back, It has been a while since I last posted anything. My life has been very crazy the last little bit, and my health and anxiety have been meh…, I will be making another blog going over what has been going on in the past five months.

On August 15th I overcame something that I had been fearing for the past 2 years, I got five teeth extracted. I have a fear of the dentist because I am so afraid of getting sick and on top of that, I have never had any cavities or any dental work done. The only thing  I have  done with my teeth was braces for three years.

Back in 2014 I ended up cracking my back right bottom moller, yeah I know was not fun. The tooth was cut down in half, and the inside half was all exposed nerves. Due to my dental fear I refused to go in to to get it extracted. After a few months I did not really feel any pain. I got dragged in to get x-rays of it. that was nerve racking non the least.The dentist told me that if i did not get a root cannel i might end up with an infection. He said that i still have no cavities but that tooth ha to be taken care of. I was told they would put me on the laughing gas and it would take only 45 minuets. I was not having it, I bailed out and cancelled the appointment; that was the end of that till June 2016.

Skipping ahead a few years, I decided to get it looked at once again. I was not in a tone of pain but when I ate sweet or had a told drink, I would get sensitivity pain. I was informed that I wont be on my parents medical insurance much longer, because I was not a full time student. I figured that I should just take a breath and have it over and done with. I told my mom that I wanted to make a dentist appointment. She looked at me and had this guilty look on her face, then she told me she booked it already. She was going to tell me the day before so I was not freaking out, and get worked up. I was glad I found out prior, but that was pretty smart of her to try. The day I had to go to my  dentist I was not that afraid, and thats not like me. When I got their the dental hygienist brought me to one of the rooms, I started to feel my heart racing. Once we started talking I was okay, they all new me as I have gone to that office since I was eight. She took the x-rays, and after a few instead, got the full view of the tooth and its root. I asked if my wisdom teeth where in by chance, I new they would be. She saw two on the x-ray she took already, but asked if I wanted the proper x-rays to see what the deal is with them. I went back to another room and got that done, she comes in saying ” you have all four”  my wisdom teeth where sideways. The teeth where not hurting me but I did get some ear pain, but nothing bad. I decided since they are pressing on other teeth, I should just get them out. We made the appointment for the consultation at Coronation, a place in Brantford. It was just a few streets over so it was so convenient for us.

I went into that meeting with confidents and it did help, he answered a lot of my questions and was a caring individual. I told him my fear and he said, he will make sure my mind was at ease. I finished up talking to him, he informed me step by stem what was going to happen the day of extraction. I set the date for September 15 2016, I was starting to get in my head about it so,…. I did what any normal person would do ( Cough, Cough) and went on the wonderful invention that we call Google. Yeah I know, I’m one smart idiot, it did not put my mind at ease.

The day before my appointment I was not able to eat or drink anything after midnight, not a big deal for me. Morning came even  with me wishing it would not. I was a ball on nerves. I was feeling ill, and I was having panic attacks, I was just in tears with fear. I got into the building and waited for someone to call my name. I go back and the one lady was really nice. She was keeping me relaxed and distracted, it helped a bit. The dentist comes in, I was trying not to be to scared. He was so nice saying I will be sleeping and I will be home in no time. We where joking around a little was keeping me out of my head. He left and the other lady put on electrodes and things to watch my blood pressure and heart rate. The alarms on the monitor start going off, my anxiety and heart rate where off the charts. They gave me something for my anxiety and then I woke up in recovery.

I did not remember anything I did not count down or anything I just woke up, it was pretty awesome not to lie. I was numb but not tired, crying or loopy. I just was numb and it was tricky to talk. I was cleared to go, and  before I knew it and was home. I was not tired at all, I think I was awake for about 14 hours after. On the right side of my mouth I had, two bottoms and one top, and on my left I had a top and a bottom removed. 

I have had a rough healing time, saying as it is over three weeks and I still have some pain tells something. I had bad pain mostly on my left side, but I could not get any association for about 3 days. I was on codine T3 pills and pills for an infection. I would rotate hot and cold and was only eating softer foods. I started having issues, going on to week, it was causing a lot of nerve pain and was starting to bleed, I used a medical mouth wash. I had to go back on the T3 pills, I did not like them as they upset my stomach. A few days later I got bad  stomach pain and I was going to go into A&E. I waited it out and it went away. I assumed it was my ulcers acting up from the pain medication I was on.  I missed the Burford Horse show which I was in and the OBRA (Ontario Barrel Racing relief) because of my slow recovery. 

It is now September but even with all of this crazy going on and the pain of it: I am relieved. I no longer have to worry about my broken moller or my wisdom teeth. It is just one less stresser in my life, It was worth getting it all done in one sitting,  instead of going back for it later, when I would have to pay out of pocket. If anyone had to get it done, it is no big deal. I I can do it, I know you can.

 

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