This Is Life Or Is It?.. Your Choice!

Okay so this post is going to be a bit of a rant! have you ever just wanted to give up have you ever just questioned life, Do you ever wonder “why me? “. What have I done to put me in this situation, where did I screw up?. Do you ever just feel like all you do is cause hurt and pain to people. You know people love you but you still feel like they are better off without you?

I would love for this to be my typical post where I turn around and make a bad situation good, say ” good things are just hiding around the corner, you just have to seek them”. I’m not though, for the first time  I cant find the good in this… In this anxiety!

I cant see the point in life we just live to die, and  in the middle we all go through so much good and bad but in the end we don’t remember any of it. I here all the time from people ” just change your thinking” or ‘get help”. No matter how hard you try to get them to understand it is way more complicated. My own father thinks i’m just a lowlife thinks i’m lazy and do nothing. He is the first to judge me and the first to tell me what to do, but not willing to be there and take and be a father. In his eyes I am going no where and he wants to put a timeline on my recovery. He makes me feel like I have de-railed his life, i’m sure I did but don’t take my battle and make it yours. Don’t act like you have helped me when all you do is bitch, about how hard it is for you when you don’t allow me to tell you how hard it is for me. He will always be my dad and I like him but I don’t need this but I cant change or move out. If it where not for friends and my mom I don’t know what I would do.

I don’t know if things will ever change for me, you can want something so bad and love things and people so much and never be good enough for anything never be good enough for your self. The truth of it is people what to tell you how to live and recover but not put in the effort or really care. no one thinking of how much pain they caused until after the fact. you can only get better if you want to and it takes so much fight to do that. Sadly not everyone wants to fight forever. I feel so lost.




Emergency Room Trip, BGH

Well, you know how I am facing my fears, did just that tonight. Many of you know now I am petrified to be ill in public. Because of that I have put my health at fist number of times, for refusing to go in . My theory is ” I’m too sick to go in”. That my friends is a bad thing to live by, your health is no joke.

The last time I was dangerously ill i stayed home 2 week longer then I should of causing lots of damage to my stomach, throat, due to a liver infection.  Lately I have been in need of getting checked out, but keep being to scared to just go in. I don’t mind needles, blood work, just scared to get sick.

well today I had no choice and I think in the end It helped me. Around 8pm Friday April first, I found my self in a tone of abdominal pain. That is not uncommon for me, but was so intense. I was not able to sit up or walk. The pain went from my whole stomach to my lower stomach. It honestly started feeling like I was having contractions. I am not even pregnant, so I was freaking out. my mom made me go to BGH to get checked out. I was having a tone of panic attacks. They where mixed with nausea from the pain and anxiety now.

The whole time driving there with my mom I was freaking out ill and in a tone of pain. I did not know if I had a cyst or if it my appendices. When I got there we went in and signed in at desk. I went into the toilets to get a way from people and grasp what was happening. the pain was calming but the sick feeling got more and more unbearable. I just wanted to go home, but I wanted answers.  I get called up 30 ish min after being to BGH around 9:pm ish. Takes my blood pressure and and temperature, then sends me to wait. It was a quarter to 10pm now. I get called for my blood work, got 4 samples taken (left a odd bruise). Once again sat back down with my mum, Who got me grounded and calm.

It was 20 after 10:00 pm, was feeling a little better pain wise and my nausea was settling. My anxiety was going and I was starting to relax, just a little. At around 10:30 I was taken back to a different space and talked with a RN on staff. All the workers where very nice. I was really happy things started to seem fast. It was a tease took 5 hours just to get called a pone. There was a car accident, so you get what it was like.I got told to go to the private smaller waiting room. Was there from 10:30 pm to 12:15 am April third now. the RN called me back to the examining room.

I started to feel intense anxiety and nausea, like cant sit up or move with out being sick. One of the lovely nurses saw I was very, probably because I was whiter then The bumble from Rudolph, hiding in Mt, Everest. She gave me 8mg of Zepran. worked a tone in less then then five min. Still not feeling great but I was able to find some relief,I just wanted to go home. Now it is 1:00  and I was so tired, running on three hour sleep. The Doctor came to check me belly, and go over test results.

My white count was really high and recommended a ultrasound. waiting on that now, hope for the best. I wanted to share this to show how it is to take care of yourself, even if it is terrifying, like that was for me. Just talk to people and tell them what is going on. My friends where my rock on this. All of them have a was to calm me down. It goes to show that if you pus your self you feel better after. Now that opens doors for me, I can try booking get together. I plan on using this and learning my limits and getting the help that could save your life. I feel so proud I am able to face my fears to take care of my sell.

shout out to my friends that talked me through it and my lovely mother, stayed and did not leave too go home  I am feeling a bit better and hope this is a change that I can grow from. I can’t slip back in to the fear and pain and feeling like I can’t care for my health. Such peace at mind now, I have a scan tomorrow to see what is going on with the pain.