Scared Of My Own Mind *trigger*

Once again I have not been posting, let’s face if life gets in the way. Anyhow I don’t know what type of blog this will turn into. What I want to know is when the F#%k does it get better. I have done so much in the last year (2017) you think I would be on top the the dam world! but NOPE!!!! yes I started working I got my car on the road, I got to do so many things I never would of been able to before. With all the good things that have happened I am becoming more and more depressed. I see no point anymore. I have battled self harming, Massive anxiety, eating issues, health scares, but depression oh well that thats the new #1 spot. 

I have so many people who LOVE me but it is mattering less and less, i’m cutting so many people out, because Im tired of hurting them, I feel everyone just looks at me with pity. everyone tries to help but nothing anyone tells me helps. pills help but i’m tired of it an endless circle. I hate my life and I hate complaining… its not like me. no one knows how to help and I don’t know what to tell them. Im a failier to my self and to some others I know,

Everyone is moving on with there life’s and i’m 21 and in the same god dam place i was 8 years ago. I am always told ” baby steps”  and even though they mean well it does not help. I have no control anymore over everything and I HATE IT. no one even gets it I just get labled. I am strong but even strong people can break. I don’t know what help will help at this point. I need something to be here fore a reason . # depression stucks balls. 

Connecting people Support Room

Been dealing with a lot and have been trying to find ways to cope, to improve my quality of life. The  one thing I have done is join a chat room, people are so support of. I believe it is important to my well being to reach out to people who understand. Family and friends can help but they cant truly relate, that is if they don’t have the same issue. If you are looking to get help but want to stay home, look up anxiety/ depression chat groups. It helps trust me even if you just want to talk about other stuff unrelated.

This Is Life Or Is It?.. Your Choice!

Okay so this post is going to be a bit of a rant! have you ever just wanted to give up have you ever just questioned life, Do you ever wonder “why me? “. What have I done to put me in this situation, where did I screw up?. Do you ever just feel like all you do is cause hurt and pain to people. You know people love you but you still feel like they are better off without you?

I would love for this to be my typical post where I turn around and make a bad situation good, say ” good things are just hiding around the corner, you just have to seek them”. I’m not though, for the first time  I cant find the good in this… In this anxiety!

I cant see the point in life we just live to die, and  in the middle we all go through so much good and bad but in the end we don’t remember any of it. I here all the time from people ” just change your thinking” or ‘get help”. No matter how hard you try to get them to understand it is way more complicated. My own father thinks i’m just a lowlife thinks i’m lazy and do nothing. He is the first to judge me and the first to tell me what to do, but not willing to be there and take and be a father. In his eyes I am going no where and he wants to put a timeline on my recovery. He makes me feel like I have de-railed his life, i’m sure I did but don’t take my battle and make it yours. Don’t act like you have helped me when all you do is bitch, about how hard it is for you when you don’t allow me to tell you how hard it is for me. He will always be my dad and I like him but I don’t need this but I cant change or move out. If it where not for friends and my mom I don’t know what I would do.

I don’t know if things will ever change for me, you can want something so bad and love things and people so much and never be good enough for anything never be good enough for your self. The truth of it is people what to tell you how to live and recover but not put in the effort or really care. no one thinking of how much pain they caused until after the fact. you can only get better if you want to and it takes so much fight to do that. Sadly not everyone wants to fight forever. I feel so lost.

 

 

Cold Reflection

Do you know what it’s like to watch your future die, what its like to feel your life slip away?

Do you know what it’s like to feel as though someone is holding you down,.. under water as they sit and watch you strive for air?

slowly watching the bubbles stop. 

Do you know the cold grasp of death?

do you feel it lurking below?

hoping and waiting for you to slip into it.

Cold to the touch with faded eyes and icy hair, drifting into the darkness once her disquise.

Once a livly sole, now fadding to the darkness for her demonds to take 

Her weary self now at rest, she finilly gets a break from the pain she caused her self.

drowning her life below the sea

she reliszed the face that killed her was ! hers…

 

My life, My Passion

Everyone has something, Some do crafts some do sports, some listen to music and so on. What drives you, what motivates you and what makes you happier then anything. For me it is riding, it keeps me sane and it keeps me focused on what I want.

It is true riding is very dangerous and despite what many think it is one of the harder sports you can do. It looks like we sit there but we use muscles the whole time we are moving. riding is like running  a race mixed with jumping things, one or 2 laps around are you will be out of breath. One mistake can tell if you live or die, when you come to a barrel you need to find your pocket, the space where you start to turn your body in and get the arch around the turn. if you turn in to much you will hit the barrel going 50 mph, yeah not fun I gashed open my tibia bone and fractured it just turning to sharp. I turned only an inch to soon and it caused 3 months healing and 7 stitches. I went up to a jump this year 3,6 ft tall and 2.4 ft wide, I was not able to ( collect ) his stride I got to the take off spot half a stride to early. we ended up cought in the jump, he landed on top of me 1200 lbs of him. a cracked rip and a ripped calf and thigh muscle and a hyper extended knee , with a concussion. People say we look like we sit their farther from the truth but that is what we want people to see. if it looked hard we would not be doing it.

Riding is something that has given me a distraction from life, it is my drug. I love my guy I got him at 7 he was scared and un broke, I was un healthy and getting sicker. he saved my life and I saved his. now look where we are. He is my rock and shows me how things can turn around with work and time.

Everyone has a passion something that drives you. something no one will understand. It can be anything you love. What drives you? what do you love?..

brOKen

Everyday she wakes up knowing she will have to start the day, She is just going through the motions every morning. She tries her best every day, but even when she wins she fails. Stuck inside this life, lost, broken scared. Her wold is crashing down on her he hope is  gone. She is living with a monster who lives to take her down. Yelling and screaming ” you’re not good enough”. He sucks the life out of her failing to see the damage he’s done. Playing the victim  and turning the cards, her life is gone to the demon with in. No way out, broken and beaten down, she has given up but he can not see. One day she slips away at night and her demon has won and he life was gone.

 

 

#Delete

 

She always said that it would not happen to her, that she was to smart to be hurt and disrespected like that, she believed she would never get put in that situation because she was never in that part of town. she never thought she would be wrong, until she was.

 she was only 16, a fun loving, honest, bubbly person but a little to trusting and naive for her own good. Her friends and her soon meet this guy, seemed like a nice fellow, but it was just a disguise. one day on the road something seemed off, he pulled off to the side and snorted a line. She had no idea what to do, the tension and anxiety grew. what choice did she have, over an hour from home? back on the road another hour went by the girl had no clue what to do. Trapped with a guy who she thought was a friend, turned out to be a disguised junkie. she tossed and turned the rest of the night then told him to pack up they are heading home.

The drive was cold and stormy nothing but the rain hitting the car roof, he pulled over one time as a cop went by, she could feel her heart just pound inside, wanting to be home, waiting to get out of the car. 

That night she lied awake thinking of the choices she made, hoping for things to change. She told her self no more talking to him but she needed to get around; and was the only one with a car. A few weeks went by and it all seemed to be normal and all good, until one night after work she needed a ride. She did not want to walk in the cold rain. The two went for a short cruise around town, then went back to her place for a night cap and TV. 

She thought she was safe, what could do wrong , It was her house and they where not alone. She had a few drinks while watching TV, he keep pouring saying one more just one more. She said time to go but she had no control, he would not take no for an answer. She could not fight him and he carried her up stairs. she tried to scream but no words came out, no one could here. 

The next morning she woke in disbelief, but the worst was over… or so she thought. A day went by she thought she was fine, till one night she fell ill. A few weeks went by and she could hardly move, something was wrong she had no clue. Her mom took her in weak as can be, but the doctors had no idea. A few hours went by then something showed up a liver infection that cant be undone. She drank so much on that fateful night, 4 years later and it still haunts her at night. Her life now run by fear and pain, hoping, wishing, dreaming she could just press DELETE, but life is not a computer you cant just simply #…DELETE.

Moral of the story don’t live in the past, always move ahead and remember shitty things can happen to anyone so always be safe.

 

Un-Defined Darkness

She never thought the darkness would define her,

she never thought the shadow lurking in the distance was hers.

Her eyes now hiding her jail inside

but her smile does not go away.

She puts her walls up and locks her demons inside, 

hiding the pain that she feels.

The person that is always  smiling,

always cries her self to sleep.

Her demons pull her beneath the earth,

where her dreams can’t speak and demons taunt.

In the morning she will rise with that smile

but her eyes  tell she is dying.

One night she stared at the dark sky above,

she new her time had come.

she walked into sea and drifted below,

no more pain no more sorrow no more fear,

One thing she never knew was,

 Her demons knew how to swim.

Now drifting along in an un-defind darkness .

 

Moral of the story is you cant run from your fears because they will find you, face them head on.

Wisdom Teeth Extraction

I’m back, It has been a while since I last posted anything. My life has been very crazy the last little bit, and my health and anxiety have been meh…, I will be making another blog going over what has been going on in the past five months.

On August 15th I overcame something that I had been fearing for the past 2 years, I got five teeth extracted. I have a fear of the dentist because I am so afraid of getting sick and on top of that, I have never had any cavities or any dental work done. The only thing  I have  done with my teeth was braces for three years.

Back in 2014 I ended up cracking my back right bottom moller, yeah I know was not fun. The tooth was cut down in half, and the inside half was all exposed nerves. Due to my dental fear I refused to go in to to get it extracted. After a few months I did not really feel any pain. I got dragged in to get x-rays of it. that was nerve racking non the least.The dentist told me that if i did not get a root cannel i might end up with an infection. He said that i still have no cavities but that tooth ha to be taken care of. I was told they would put me on the laughing gas and it would take only 45 minuets. I was not having it, I bailed out and cancelled the appointment; that was the end of that till June 2016.

Skipping ahead a few years, I decided to get it looked at once again. I was not in a tone of pain but when I ate sweet or had a told drink, I would get sensitivity pain. I was informed that I wont be on my parents medical insurance much longer, because I was not a full time student. I figured that I should just take a breath and have it over and done with. I told my mom that I wanted to make a dentist appointment. She looked at me and had this guilty look on her face, then she told me she booked it already. She was going to tell me the day before so I was not freaking out, and get worked up. I was glad I found out prior, but that was pretty smart of her to try. The day I had to go to my  dentist I was not that afraid, and thats not like me. When I got their the dental hygienist brought me to one of the rooms, I started to feel my heart racing. Once we started talking I was okay, they all new me as I have gone to that office since I was eight. She took the x-rays, and after a few instead, got the full view of the tooth and its root. I asked if my wisdom teeth where in by chance, I new they would be. She saw two on the x-ray she took already, but asked if I wanted the proper x-rays to see what the deal is with them. I went back to another room and got that done, she comes in saying ” you have all four”  my wisdom teeth where sideways. The teeth where not hurting me but I did get some ear pain, but nothing bad. I decided since they are pressing on other teeth, I should just get them out. We made the appointment for the consultation at Coronation, a place in Brantford. It was just a few streets over so it was so convenient for us.

I went into that meeting with confidents and it did help, he answered a lot of my questions and was a caring individual. I told him my fear and he said, he will make sure my mind was at ease. I finished up talking to him, he informed me step by stem what was going to happen the day of extraction. I set the date for September 15 2016, I was starting to get in my head about it so,…. I did what any normal person would do ( Cough, Cough) and went on the wonderful invention that we call Google. Yeah I know, I’m one smart idiot, it did not put my mind at ease.

The day before my appointment I was not able to eat or drink anything after midnight, not a big deal for me. Morning came even  with me wishing it would not. I was a ball on nerves. I was feeling ill, and I was having panic attacks, I was just in tears with fear. I got into the building and waited for someone to call my name. I go back and the one lady was really nice. She was keeping me relaxed and distracted, it helped a bit. The dentist comes in, I was trying not to be to scared. He was so nice saying I will be sleeping and I will be home in no time. We where joking around a little was keeping me out of my head. He left and the other lady put on electrodes and things to watch my blood pressure and heart rate. The alarms on the monitor start going off, my anxiety and heart rate where off the charts. They gave me something for my anxiety and then I woke up in recovery.

I did not remember anything I did not count down or anything I just woke up, it was pretty awesome not to lie. I was numb but not tired, crying or loopy. I just was numb and it was tricky to talk. I was cleared to go, and  before I knew it and was home. I was not tired at all, I think I was awake for about 14 hours after. On the right side of my mouth I had, two bottoms and one top, and on my left I had a top and a bottom removed. 

I have had a rough healing time, saying as it is over three weeks and I still have some pain tells something. I had bad pain mostly on my left side, but I could not get any association for about 3 days. I was on codine T3 pills and pills for an infection. I would rotate hot and cold and was only eating softer foods. I started having issues, going on to week, it was causing a lot of nerve pain and was starting to bleed, I used a medical mouth wash. I had to go back on the T3 pills, I did not like them as they upset my stomach. A few days later I got bad  stomach pain and I was going to go into A&E. I waited it out and it went away. I assumed it was my ulcers acting up from the pain medication I was on.  I missed the Burford Horse show which I was in and the OBRA (Ontario Barrel Racing relief) because of my slow recovery. 

It is now September but even with all of this crazy going on and the pain of it: I am relieved. I no longer have to worry about my broken moller or my wisdom teeth. It is just one less stresser in my life, It was worth getting it all done in one sitting,  instead of going back for it later, when I would have to pay out of pocket. If anyone had to get it done, it is no big deal. I I can do it, I know you can.

 

Emergency Room Trip, BGH

Well, you know how I am facing my fears, did just that tonight. Many of you know now I am petrified to be ill in public. Because of that I have put my health at fist number of times, for refusing to go in . My theory is ” I’m too sick to go in”. That my friends is a bad thing to live by, your health is no joke.

The last time I was dangerously ill i stayed home 2 week longer then I should of causing lots of damage to my stomach, throat, due to a liver infection.  Lately I have been in need of getting checked out, but keep being to scared to just go in. I don’t mind needles, blood work, just scared to get sick.

well today I had no choice and I think in the end It helped me. Around 8pm Friday April first, I found my self in a tone of abdominal pain. That is not uncommon for me, but was so intense. I was not able to sit up or walk. The pain went from my whole stomach to my lower stomach. It honestly started feeling like I was having contractions. I am not even pregnant, so I was freaking out. my mom made me go to BGH to get checked out. I was having a tone of panic attacks. They where mixed with nausea from the pain and anxiety now.

The whole time driving there with my mom I was freaking out ill and in a tone of pain. I did not know if I had a cyst or if it my appendices. When I got there we went in and signed in at desk. I went into the toilets to get a way from people and grasp what was happening. the pain was calming but the sick feeling got more and more unbearable. I just wanted to go home, but I wanted answers.  I get called up 30 ish min after being there.got to BGH around 9:pm ish. Takes my blood pressure and and temperature, then sends me to wait. It was a quarter to 10pm now. I get called for my blood work, got 4 samples taken (left a odd bruise). Once again sat back down with my mum, Who got me grounded and calm.

It was 20 after 10:00 pm, was feeling a little better pain wise and my nausea was settling. My anxiety was going and I was starting to relax, just a little. At around 10:30 I was taken back to a different space and talked with a RN on staff. All the workers where very nice. I was really happy things started to seem fast. It was a tease took 5 hours just to get called a pone. There was a car accident, so you get what it was like.I got told to go to the private smaller waiting room. Was there from 10:30 pm to 12:15 am April third now. the RN called me back to the examining room.

I started to feel intense anxiety and nausea, like cant sit up or move with out being sick. One of the lovely nurses saw I was very, probably because I was whiter then The bumble from Rudolph, hiding in Mt, Everest. She gave me 8mg of Zepran. worked a tone in less then then five min. Still not feeling great but I was able to find some relief,I just wanted to go home. Now it is 1:00  and I was so tired, running on three hour sleep. The Doctor came to check me belly, and go over test results.

My white count was really high and recommended a ultrasound. waiting on that now, hope for the best. I wanted to share this to show how it is to take care of yourself, even if it is terrifying, like that was for me. Just talk to people and tell them what is going on. My friends where my rock on this. All of them have a was to calm me down. It goes to show that if you pus your self you feel better after. Now that opens doors for me, I can try booking get together. I plan on using this and learning my limits and getting the help that could save your life. I feel so proud I am able to face my fears to take care of my sell.

shout out to my friends that talked me through it and my lovely mother, stayed and did not leave too go home  I am feeling a bit better and hope this is a change that I can grow from. I can’t slip back in to the fear and pain and feeling like I can’t care for my health. Such peace at mind now, I have a scan tomorrow to see what is going on with the pain.

 

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