Scared Of My Own Mind *trigger*

Once again I have not been posting, let’s face if life gets in the way. Anyhow I don’t know what type of blog this will turn into. What I want to know is when the F#%k does it get better. I have done so much in the last year (2017) you think I would be on top the the dam world! but NOPE!!!! yes I started working I got my car on the road, I got to do so many things I never would of been able to before. With all the good things that have happened I am becoming more and more depressed. I see no point anymore. I have battled self harming, Massive anxiety, eating issues, health scares, but depression oh well that thats the new #1 spot. 

I have so many people who LOVE me but it is mattering less and less, i’m cutting so many people out, because Im tired of hurting them, I feel everyone just looks at me with pity. everyone tries to help but nothing anyone tells me helps. pills help but i’m tired of it an endless circle. I hate my life and I hate complaining… its not like me. no one knows how to help and I don’t know what to tell them. Im a failier to my self and to some others I know,

Everyone is moving on with there life’s and i’m 21 and in the same god dam place i was 8 years ago. I am always told ” baby steps”  and even though they mean well it does not help. I have no control anymore over everything and I HATE IT. no one even gets it I just get labled. I am strong but even strong people can break. I don’t know what help will help at this point. I need something to be here fore a reason . # depression stucks balls. 

Connecting people Support Room

Been dealing with a lot and have been trying to find ways to cope, to improve my quality of life. The  one thing I have done is join a chat room, people are so support of. I believe it is important to my well being to reach out to people who understand. Family and friends can help but they cant truly relate, that is if they don’t have the same issue. If you are looking to get help but want to stay home, look up anxiety/ depression chat groups. It helps trust me even if you just want to talk about other stuff unrelated.

This Is Life Or Is It?.. Your Choice!

Okay so this post is going to be a bit of a rant! have you ever just wanted to give up have you ever just questioned life, Do you ever wonder “why me? “. What have I done to put me in this situation, where did I screw up?. Do you ever just feel like all you do is cause hurt and pain to people. You know people love you but you still feel like they are better off without you?

I would love for this to be my typical post where I turn around and make a bad situation good, say ” good things are just hiding around the corner, you just have to seek them”. I’m not though, for the first time  I cant find the good in this… In this anxiety!

I cant see the point in life we just live to die, and  in the middle we all go through so much good and bad but in the end we don’t remember any of it. I here all the time from people ” just change your thinking” or ‘get help”. No matter how hard you try to get them to understand it is way more complicated. My own father thinks i’m just a lowlife thinks i’m lazy and do nothing. He is the first to judge me and the first to tell me what to do, but not willing to be there and take and be a father. In his eyes I am going no where and he wants to put a timeline on my recovery. He makes me feel like I have de-railed his life, i’m sure I did but don’t take my battle and make it yours. Don’t act like you have helped me when all you do is bitch, about how hard it is for you when you don’t allow me to tell you how hard it is for me. He will always be my dad and I like him but I don’t need this but I cant change or move out. If it where not for friends and my mom I don’t know what I would do.

I don’t know if things will ever change for me, you can want something so bad and love things and people so much and never be good enough for anything never be good enough for your self. The truth of it is people what to tell you how to live and recover but not put in the effort or really care. no one thinking of how much pain they caused until after the fact. you can only get better if you want to and it takes so much fight to do that. Sadly not everyone wants to fight forever. I feel so lost.

 

 

Cold Reflection

Do you know what it’s like to watch your future die, what its like to feel your life slip away?

Do you know what it’s like to feel as though someone is holding you down,.. under water as they sit and watch you strive for air?

slowly watching the bubbles stop. 

Do you know the cold grasp of death?

do you feel it lurking below?

hoping and waiting for you to slip into it.

Cold to the touch with faded eyes and icy hair, drifting into the darkness once her disquise.

Once a livly sole, now fadding to the darkness for her demonds to take 

Her weary self now at rest, she finilly gets a break from the pain she caused her self.

drowning her life below the sea

she reliszed the face that killed her was ! hers…

 

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My life, My Passion

Everyone has something, Some do crafts some do sports, some listen to music and so on. What drives you, what motivates you and what makes you happier then anything. For me it is riding, it keeps me sane and it keeps me focused on what I want.

It is true riding is very dangerous and despite what many think it is one of the harder sports you can do. It looks like we sit there but we use muscles the whole time we are moving. riding is like running  a race mixed with jumping things, one or 2 laps around are you will be out of breath. One mistake can tell if you live or die, when you come to a barrel you need to find your pocket, the space where you start to turn your body in and get the arch around the turn. if you turn in to much you will hit the barrel going 50 mph, yeah not fun I gashed open my tibia bone and fractured it just turning to sharp. I turned only an inch to soon and it caused 3 months healing and 7 stitches. I went up to a jump this year 3,6 ft tall and 2.4 ft wide, I was not able to ( collect ) his stride I got to the take off spot half a stride to early. we ended up cought in the jump, he landed on top of me 1200 lbs of him. a cracked rip and a ripped calf and thigh muscle and a hyper extended knee , with a concussion. People say we look like we sit their farther from the truth but that is what we want people to see. if it looked hard we would not be doing it.

Riding is something that has given me a distraction from life, it is my drug. I love my guy I got him at 7 he was scared and un broke, I was un healthy and getting sicker. he saved my life and I saved his. now look where we are. He is my rock and shows me how things can turn around with work and time.

Everyone has a passion something that drives you. something no one will understand. It can be anything you love. What drives you? what do you love?..IMG_0136.jpg

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Everyday she wakes up knowing she will have to start the day, She is just going through the motions every morning. She tries her best every day, but even when she wins she fails. Stuck inside this life, lost, broken scared. Her wold is crashing down on her he hope is  gone. She is living with a monster who lives to take her down. Yelling and screaming ” you’re not good enough”. He sucks the life out of her failing to see the damage he’s done. Playing the victim  and turning the cards, her life is gone to the demon with in. No way out, broken and beaten down, she has given up but he can not see. One day she slips away at night and her demon has won and he life was gone.

 

 

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#Delete

 

She always said that it would not happen to her, that she was to smart to be hurt and disrespected like that, she believed she would never get put in that situation because she was never in that part of town. she never thought she would be wrong, until she was.

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 she was only 16, a fun loving, honest, bubbly person but a little to trusting and naive for her own good. Her friends and her soon meet this guy, seemed like a nice fellow, but it was just a disguise. one day on the road something seemed off, he pulled off to the side and snorted a line. She had no idea what to do, the tension and anxiety grew. what choice did she have, over an hour from home? back on the road another hour went by the girl had no clue what to do. Trapped with a guy who she thought was a friend, turned out to be a disguised junkie. she tossed and turned the rest of the night then told him to pack up they are heading home.

The drive was cold and stormy nothing but the rain hitting the car roof, he pulled over one time as a cop went by, she could feel her heart just pound inside, wanting to be home, waiting to get out of the car. 

That night she lied awake thinking of the choices she made, hoping for things to change. She told her self no more talking to him but she needed to get around; and was the only one with a car. A few weeks went by and it all seemed to be normal and all good, until one night after work she needed a ride. She did not want to walk in the cold rain. The two went for a short cruise around town, then went back to her place for a night cap and TV. 

She thought she was safe, what could do wrong , It was her house and they where not alone. She had a few drinks while watching TV, he keep pouring saying one more just one more. She said time to go but she had no control, he would not take no for an answer. She could not fight him and he carried her up stairs. she tried to scream but no words came out, no one could here. 

The next morning she woke in disbelief, but the worst was over… or so she thought. A day went by she thought she was fine, till one night she fell ill. A few weeks went by and she could hardly move, something was wrong she had no clue. Her mom took her in weak as can be, but the doctors had no idea. A few hours went by then something showed up a liver infection that cant be undone. She drank so much on that fateful night, 4 years later and it still haunts her at night. Her life now run by fear and pain, hoping, wishing, dreaming she could just press DELETE, but life is not a computer you cant just simply #…DELETE.

Moral of the story don’t live in the past, always move ahead and remember shitty things can happen to anyone so always be safe.

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