If I Died Today

      Everyday she wakes up gets out of bed, puts on some music as she gets ready for a day she don’t want to start. Does her hair and make up, not that anyone really notices she tried. Gets into the car and drives fast to work, not that she is in a rush to get anywhere. Starts her shift and always has that happy smile on her face. No one knows the true her, no one knows the fear, pain and hurt she feels. HOPELESS,DYING, but no one cares to really step in and help. It’s not like she would let anyone any how. She feels stuck trapped, like she is going no where. Working a low paying dead-end job that pays enough to help her buy her medication, to keep working that dead end shit job. As the time passes she wonders if it is worth it. Knowing people love her jeep her alive, but feeling trapped and lost have killed her light, once shining. She gets hope from work, turns on the Tv and wonders “That the He%$” am I too do now” thinks to hr self “what if I died today” just be done. No matter how much she fights no matter how much she pushes through, she ALWAYS fails and has to start over. when is it time to give up. she sits there looks at the bottle of pills that could so easily end all her pain, all the suffering and struggle. but she gets up and yells “NOT TODAY” 

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This Is Life Or Is It?.. Your Choice!

Okay so this post is going to be a bit of a rant! have you ever just wanted to give up have you ever just questioned life, Do you ever wonder “why me? “. What have I done to put me in this situation, where did I screw up?. Do you ever just feel like all you do is cause hurt and pain to people. You know people love you but you still feel like they are better off without you?

I would love for this to be my typical post where I turn around and make a bad situation good, say ” good things are just hiding around the corner, you just have to seek them”. I’m not though, for the first time  I cant find the good in this… In this anxiety!

I cant see the point in life we just live to die, and  in the middle we all go through so much good and bad but in the end we don’t remember any of it. I here all the time from people ” just change your thinking” or ‘get help”. No matter how hard you try to get them to understand it is way more complicated. My own father thinks i’m just a lowlife thinks i’m lazy and do nothing. He is the first to judge me and the first to tell me what to do, but not willing to be there and take and be a father. In his eyes I am going no where and he wants to put a timeline on my recovery. He makes me feel like I have de-railed his life, i’m sure I did but don’t take my battle and make it yours. Don’t act like you have helped me when all you do is bitch, about how hard it is for you when you don’t allow me to tell you how hard it is for me. He will always be my dad and I like him but I don’t need this but I cant change or move out. If it where not for friends and my mom I don’t know what I would do.

I don’t know if things will ever change for me, you can want something so bad and love things and people so much and never be good enough for anything never be good enough for your self. The truth of it is people what to tell you how to live and recover but not put in the effort or really care. no one thinking of how much pain they caused until after the fact. you can only get better if you want to and it takes so much fight to do that. Sadly not everyone wants to fight forever. I feel so lost.