Anxiety makes a Comeback

Well I guess things cant run smooth forever, I have been battling anxiety so bad the last few days. Stopped going out in the daytime, which proves hard because I am working two jobs right now. I have been doing morning and night feedings at the farm and working at Movati Gym when I am not at the farm. I have not been able to sleep or eat. when I eat I feel sick and seems to be one speed bump after another. I feel my self going down old paths,and I don’t like it.

I was doing so good for a few months, went out with people, started rock climbing, was riding more and last Feb started working again after 4 years off. I am tired of feeling like this, tired of having a few good days and then crashing. I don’t even think people really care. feel like I just get in the way of other peoples happiness. Feel so useless, I know people care but my health and anxiety is hard on others too. I hate feeling like a burden but in all honastly I can be at times.  I bust my ass working right now but still have no saving or extra money set aside for future me, I just want to be farther in life… but i’m not!

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Name Change “Fear Nothing be a White Shark”

I have decided to go but one of the more sharpest and tough creatures I know and a huge passion for me. The new name of the blog is ” Fear Nothing , Be a white Shark I will still be keeping old name around on some post, but this is more fitting and just did the logo. love all you sharks, fear nothing and “good morning”

Why “Down The Rabbit Hole”?

This will be short, I named it “Down the Rabbit Hole” because I like to talk about things that are say.. “Taboo” things most hide under the so called rug for truth and life. I figured going down the so called tunnel of truth would be perfect. plus huge fan of the movies and Harry Potter! 

I am a very open person and all I want to do is help others and vent with out driving my friends crazy. 

Love all you, your all “mighty sharks” attack what gets in your path out their, always believe in your self and trust your gut love you. and if any one wants me to start up my youtube channel let me know and i will do so and tell me what you want to see.  *Always a way*

“But..The Doctor Said Im fine? “

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Every time I am stuck going to my not so pleasant “doctor” ” I use that term lightly because he should not call him self that. He as most ask the basic questions “whats seems to be the problem?” “how have you been feeling?”

“Well doctor let me tell you!” I’m sick everyday, I got anxiety so bad that I feel frozen; to afraid to tell people in an attack, i’m in pain all the time and depression takes over any sort of life I have. Every time I go to the hospital, because god forbid I was too go to him.  they the “real doctors” give me what I need, real health care.

I have NOF in my bones in my Left Tibia bone below my knee that might or could turn cancerous, I am on and off pain from it and the pain has spread to my ribs, fingers and spine. When I went to my Dr 8 years ago for it I was sent for X-rays, then went back into his office….. wast of F*#ken time I tell you. You know how they tell you not to go on WEBMD well he googled what it was because he did not know what it was or how to tell me. Then later went on to say his son had something like it….? I was confused on why he did not know much about it then. He finally sent me to someone who knew more about it, did more test and I decided to wait it out to see if it gets worse…. it did or (has); and moving on, to the anxiety and depression. My Doctor blamed ANYTHING wrong on my mental health with out even checking anything that could of been causing the problem. I could of gone in with my face ripped off and he would say “your fine just anxiety” many times I went in their really sick and in pain and he said ” its just your anxiety” oh I could of hit him, and been like ” oh don’t worry just knocking seance into you… your fine now”. Now I am not saying his name because its a privacy thing,….. I’m not that much of a dick. My Doctor had me on sertraline stronger vs of Zoloft as well as the standerd Zoloft, trial for Trintellix, probably a few of the ones for depression, even though I did not have Depression at the time. He has me or 1.5 mg Lorazapam (Ativan) and I take three .05  (Clonazepam) Klonopin to sleep. Then on my own I have to take about four to five Gravol a day down From ten though.. so better on that at least. His logic is through pills at the problem they will help. One at morning one at night and 5 through the day because they become a dependance thing!!!. I also need to take Iron pills because i’m anemic.

After years (eight) to be more specific I started getting unbearable pain in my abdominal, that would start as a light burning feeling to it feeling as though some person took a acid torch to my stomach, then all abdominal. It would start in the AM and by PM I broke down could not take it had to go to emergency, and i’m not one to just jump to hospital.. not as an adult that is #Anxiety-life.  It was so bad I had so many panic attacks and my heart rate and blood pressure where scary. I was setting off alarms. The Dr said that my white blood count was doubled and it happened at least 6 times where they say that to me. They wanted to run an MRI and CT scan I refused because of anxiety. They gave me stuff for the pain and anxiety and after 7 hours,.. I was sent home, but had to come back the next morning for more test as they where very worried. Spent another five to six hours their at BGH our little shitty hospital. We came to the conclusion it was my stomach ulcers from the medication I have been taking for eight years. The thing is the Gravel helped but with also the 8 years of taking Sertraline (at 100 mg) but it was such a strong harsh pill that it ate through my stomach lining. Every other time I took it I was curled up in pain for at least four hours, but to me it was worth it because it helped.

I now do work at a gym but sometimes, I am in so much pain standing up is impossible. It has got to the point that I don’t know what it is like to not hurt or feel no pain … it’s weird to me. I cant even eat anymore my mom told me yesterday worried *TRIGGER* “you look anorexic, your face or something” I went from eating crap food but like 200 cal a day to maybe max 500 cal a day. Sometimes I don’t get a chance to eat, and I do go out and i’m an active person. I rock climb few times a weeks, Ride horses a lot, teach riding lessons and work out about three times a week in a gym setting at Movati Athetic. I lost 20 lbs in less then a few months, but at this point my doctor wont do anything!!! but send me for the same old test. I will never here from him after that, well in less I call him;  and cant trust his word, anyhow. I am so fed up, does not help that appointments alone are massive anxiety triggers for me! Wish I was that girl I once was but i’m 21 now and i’m not.

download-4Still in limbo with my health and I hate where i’m at with it. Just because one looks as though they made progress, does not really mean they have made it mentally. I also apologize for bad spelling or grammar. It is not my strong suit but working on it. During the day I try and stay busy and positive but nights get wonky for me, massive insomniac as you can tell i am writing this at 5 am- 6am

This is my outlet and i’m trying to keep this up as much as I need to, and I hope I can get others reading to spread the word on health, world issues, and how it is handled by people and the government.  If anyone read to the end i’m proud of you and no matter what you are going through you are moved and cared about, because we are all in this together BABY STEPS as i’m told

If I Died Today

      Everyday she wakes up gets out of bed, puts on some music as she gets ready for a day she don’t want to start. Does her hair and make up, not that anyone really notices she tried. Gets into the car and drives fast to work, not that she is in a rush to get anywhere. Starts her shift and always has that happy smile on her face. No one knows the true her, no one knows the fear, pain and hurt she feels. HOPELESS,DYING, but no one cares to really step in and help. It’s not like she would let anyone any how. She feels stuck trapped, like she is going no where. Working a low paying dead-end job that pays enough to help her buy her medication, to keep working that dead end shit job. As the time passes she wonders if it is worth it. Knowing people love her jeep her alive, but feeling trapped and lost have killed her light, once shining. She gets hope from work, turns on the Tv and wonders “That the He%$” am I too do now” thinks to hr self “what if I died today” just be done. No matter how much she fights no matter how much she pushes through, she ALWAYS fails and has to start over. when is it time to give up. she sits there looks at the bottle of pills that could so easily end all her pain, all the suffering and struggle. but she gets up and yells “NOT TODAY” 

Scared Of My Own Mind *trigger*

Once again I have not been posting, let’s face if life gets in the way. Anyhow I don’t know what type of blog this will turn into. What I want to know is when the F#%k does it get better. I have done so much in the last year (2017) you think I would be on top the the dam world! but NOPE!!!! yes I started working I got my car on the road, I got to do so many things I never would of been able to before. With all the good things that have happened I am becoming more and more depressed. I see no point anymore. I have battled self harming, Massive anxiety, eating issues, health scares, but depression oh well that thats the new #1 spot. 

I have so many people who LOVE me but it is mattering less and less, i’m cutting so many people out, because Im tired of hurting them, I feel everyone just looks at me with pity. everyone tries to help but nothing anyone tells me helps. pills help but i’m tired of it an endless circle. I hate my life and I hate complaining… its not like me. no one knows how to help and I don’t know what to tell them. Im a failier to my self and to some others I know,

Everyone is moving on with there life’s and i’m 21 and in the same god dam place i was 8 years ago. I am always told ” baby steps”  and even though they mean well it does not help. I have no control anymore over everything and I HATE IT. no one even gets it I just get labled. I am strong but even strong people can break. I don’t know what help will help at this point. I need something to be here fore a reason . # depression stucks balls. 

Things Change for the Better

I have not been posting like I have wanted too but… on a more positive note, I had a job interview. Today I had a interview at an amazing gym called Movati, I have been out of work due to anxiety… well beside farm work. I decided to step well out of my comfort zone and apply, I new I needed to start taking chances. It is going to be hard but i will enjoy working again. It goes to show you that even if you are feeling hopeless you can still push through. it is the first steps I find the hardest. get through that and get through anything.

Connecting people Support Room

Been dealing with a lot and have been trying to find ways to cope, to improve my quality of life. The  one thing I have done is join a chat room, people are so support of. I believe it is important to my well being to reach out to people who understand. Family and friends can help but they cant truly relate, that is if they don’t have the same issue. If you are looking to get help but want to stay home, look up anxiety/ depression chat groups. It helps trust me even if you just want to talk about other stuff unrelated.

This Is Life Or Is It?.. Your Choice!

Okay so this post is going to be a bit of a rant! have you ever just wanted to give up have you ever just questioned life, Do you ever wonder “why me? “. What have I done to put me in this situation, where did I screw up?. Do you ever just feel like all you do is cause hurt and pain to people. You know people love you but you still feel like they are better off without you?

I would love for this to be my typical post where I turn around and make a bad situation good, say ” good things are just hiding around the corner, you just have to seek them”. I’m not though, for the first time  I cant find the good in this… In this anxiety!

I cant see the point in life we just live to die, and  in the middle we all go through so much good and bad but in the end we don’t remember any of it. I here all the time from people ” just change your thinking” or ‘get help”. No matter how hard you try to get them to understand it is way more complicated. My own father thinks i’m just a lowlife thinks i’m lazy and do nothing. He is the first to judge me and the first to tell me what to do, but not willing to be there and take and be a father. In his eyes I am going no where and he wants to put a timeline on my recovery. He makes me feel like I have de-railed his life, i’m sure I did but don’t take my battle and make it yours. Don’t act like you have helped me when all you do is bitch, about how hard it is for you when you don’t allow me to tell you how hard it is for me. He will always be my dad and I like him but I don’t need this but I cant change or move out. If it where not for friends and my mom I don’t know what I would do.

I don’t know if things will ever change for me, you can want something so bad and love things and people so much and never be good enough for anything never be good enough for your self. The truth of it is people what to tell you how to live and recover but not put in the effort or really care. no one thinking of how much pain they caused until after the fact. you can only get better if you want to and it takes so much fight to do that. Sadly not everyone wants to fight forever. I feel so lost.