“But..The Doctor Said Im fine? “

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Every time I am stuck going to my not so pleasant “doctor” ” I use that term lightly because he should not call him self that. He as most ask the basic questions “whats seems to be the problem?” “how have you been feeling?”

“Well doctor let me tell you!” I’m sick everyday, I got anxiety so bad that I feel frozen; to afraid to tell people in an attack, i’m in pain all the time and depression takes over any sort of life I have. Every time I go to the hospital, because god forbid I was too go to him.  they the “real doctors” give me what I need, real health care.

I have NOF in my bones in my Left Tibia bone below my knee that might or could turn cancerous, I am on and off pain from it and the pain has spread to my ribs, fingers and spine. When I went to my Dr 8 years ago for it I was sent for X-rays, then went back into his office….. wast of F*#ken time I tell you. You know how they tell you not to go on WEBMD well he googled what it was because he did not know what it was or how to tell me. Then later went on to say his son had something like it….? I was confused on why he did not know much about it then. He finally sent me to someone who knew more about it, did more test and I decided to wait it out to see if it gets worse…. it did or (has); and moving on, to the anxiety and depression. My Doctor blamed ANYTHING wrong on my mental health with out even checking anything that could of been causing the problem. I could of gone in with my face ripped off and he would say “your fine just anxiety” many times I went in their really sick and in pain and he said ” its just your anxiety” oh I could of hit him, and been like ” oh don’t worry just knocking seance into you… your fine now”. Now I am not saying his name because its a privacy thing,….. I’m not that much of a dick. My Doctor had me on sertraline stronger vs of Zoloft as well as the standerd Zoloft, trial for Trintellix, probably a few of the ones for depression, even though I did not have Depression at the time. He has me or 1.5 mg Lorazapam (Ativan) and I take three .05  (Clonazepam) Klonopin to sleep. Then on my own I have to take about four to five Gravol a day down From ten though.. so better on that at least. His logic is through pills at the problem they will help. One at morning one at night and 5 through the day because they become a dependance thing!!!. I also need to take Iron pills because i’m anemic.

After years (eight) to be more specific I started getting unbearable pain in my abdominal, that would start as a light burning feeling to it feeling as though some person took a acid torch to my stomach, then all abdominal. It would start in the AM and by PM I broke down could not take it had to go to emergency, and i’m not one to just jump to hospital.. not as an adult that is #Anxiety-life.  It was so bad I had so many panic attacks and my heart rate and blood pressure where scary. I was setting off alarms. The Dr said that my white blood count was doubled and it happened at least 6 times where they say that to me. They wanted to run an MRI and CT scan I refused because of anxiety. They gave me stuff for the pain and anxiety and after 7 hours,.. I was sent home, but had to come back the next morning for more test as they where very worried. Spent another five to six hours their at BGH our little shitty hospital. We came to the conclusion it was my stomach ulcers from the medication I have been taking for eight years. The thing is the Gravel helped but with also the 8 years of taking Sertraline (at 100 mg) but it was such a strong harsh pill that it ate through my stomach lining. Every other time I took it I was curled up in pain for at least four hours, but to me it was worth it because it helped.

I now do work at a gym but sometimes, I am in so much pain standing up is impossible. It has got to the point that I don’t know what it is like to not hurt or feel no pain … it’s weird to me. I cant even eat anymore my mom told me yesterday worried *TRIGGER* “you look anorexic, your face or something” I went from eating crap food but like 200 cal a day to maybe max 500 cal a day. Sometimes I don’t get a chance to eat, and I do go out and i’m an active person. I rock climb few times a weeks, Ride horses a lot, teach riding lessons and work out about three times a week in a gym setting at Movati Athetic. I lost 20 lbs in less then a few months, but at this point my doctor wont do anything!!! but send me for the same old test. I will never here from him after that, well in less I call him;  and cant trust his word, anyhow. I am so fed up, does not help that appointments alone are massive anxiety triggers for me! Wish I was that girl I once was but i’m 21 now and i’m not.

download-4Still in limbo with my health and I hate where i’m at with it. Just because one looks as though they made progress, does not really mean they have made it mentally. I also apologize for bad spelling or grammar. It is not my strong suit but working on it. During the day I try and stay busy and positive but nights get wonky for me, massive insomniac as you can tell i am writing this at 5 am- 6am

This is my outlet and i’m trying to keep this up as much as I need to, and I hope I can get others reading to spread the word on health, world issues, and how it is handled by people and the government.  If anyone read to the end i’m proud of you and no matter what you are going through you are moved and cared about, because we are all in this together BABY STEPS as i’m told

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Cold Reflection

Do you know what it’s like to watch your future die, what its like to feel your life slip away?

Do you know what it’s like to feel as though someone is holding you down,.. under water as they sit and watch you strive for air?

slowly watching the bubbles stop. 

Do you know the cold grasp of death?

do you feel it lurking below?

hoping and waiting for you to slip into it.

Cold to the touch with faded eyes and icy hair, drifting into the darkness once her disquise.

Once a livly sole, now fadding to the darkness for her demonds to take 

Her weary self now at rest, she finilly gets a break from the pain she caused her self.

drowning her life below the sea

she reliszed the face that killed her was ! hers…

 

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Everyday she wakes up knowing she will have to start the day, She is just going through the motions every morning. She tries her best every day, but even when she wins she fails. Stuck inside this life, lost, broken scared. Her wold is crashing down on her he hope is  gone. She is living with a monster who lives to take her down. Yelling and screaming ” you’re not good enough”. He sucks the life out of her failing to see the damage he’s done. Playing the victim  and turning the cards, her life is gone to the demon with in. No way out, broken and beaten down, she has given up but he can not see. One day she slips away at night and her demon has won and he life was gone.

 

 

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Family?

The person that is suppose to love you, care for you and be their for you never is. One of my biggest struggles in life is my health and anxiety. I have not had the support from all of my family members, most yes but not all.

My dad and me have had a very strained relationship from the very beginning, he is still my dad and all but sadly very detached from emotions. I feel he always looks at me as a disappointment, I don’t blame him, I am. Nothing I do will ever meet his standards and probably won’t. I am the one, to him that sits on my ass and does nothings, I am the one that is going nowhere, whats the point of me. I love me but nothing I do is ever good enough. I can try and try and I will fail. I feel so hopeless, every time I am up I come crashing down.

Everyday I wake up sick or in pain, everyday I have no energy to do anything.  I want to do so much an to him its my fault I can’t. I have been to Doctors after Doctors and never get any answers or help. After 6 years of this I takes a toll, people see me as this funny person who always positive. It is a lie,,,I am not happy, I love me and I try to keep a good head on my shoulders, but after being taken down everyday, it gets hard. I find that everyday I need to find more reasons to fight and stay positive.

My dad always puts me under so much stress I don’t know how You can take down your own child whit so much hate, when he gets into a argument with someone in my house, I am the one that gets the blunt load of it. I just feel trapped , to top it off he plays the victim. The one who has a good paying job, a loving wife a nice house, friends and food that is always on the table is the victim. he is the bully not the one who can pull that card. if he was us he would not even last a day. He is my dad and all but at the same time he just makes everything harder. So much hate everyday so much pain and hear tells me I need him but I don’t need hate and I don’t need to be bullied. he will tell you he is trying to motivate you and help but helping is not hate or yelling. it is coming up and talking things through and coming up with a plan. it is not coming up with a order it is not making your child FEAR! you.

I am being forced be normal yet cant, I have anxiety, I struggle to maintain a job and do normal things. yet I can no longer stay at my house with out shame and hate. My mom is the most supportive person I know, and I know the stress of this is hard for her. I just don’t know what do to anymore. I need a reason to stay positive, I don’t want to be a berden to my family or others. I just hope that one day it will end and be better, one day I hope to live a normal life.

 

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Grand Bend Ontario

 

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A while back, I believe it was July, My sister and me took a day trip to Pinery/ Grand bend, two hour drive for us. For me with my anxiety I was not sure how the day would un-fold. As a child we use to go their and it is beautiful, The water looks like Cuba water, so clear. It is on lake Huron, it is the best out of the great lakes, because the poullution is minimal. 

After a long drive and getting lost in the park we finally found a trail to hike, The first trail was the shortest maybe 45 min hike tops. The best part is all the trails go out to a look out point and as with most provincial trails, you get to learn a bit about it at the end at the look out. Pinery is known for deer and other wildlife and a great spot to bird watch. after the trail we got some food then headed to the beach. the water was very icy cold but the water as clear as could be, no rocks or anything but sand in the water. once we adjusted to the cold water we went very far out. most fun I have had in a while and a good girls trip for sure. we did some yoga and gymnastics on the beach then left to do something else. Back at the main area we decided to go canoeing on the Ausable River. went for about an hour then we headed back to the docks. Once back, Teanna and I grabbed some snacks and then wanted to do more trails, we are big for hiking. We managed to get 2 hour long trails done and all leading out to the Ausable Channel. The sun was setting and was time to head home a bitter sweet end to the day. I saw how beautiful the sunset was so se stopped and ran up the sand dunes, very hard by the way. I needed to get pictured of the beautiful sunset.10 pm now and a two and a bit drive we headed out.

For me I was very sad to leave, I love adventure and going back to an old child hood destination; but due to my health I struggle greatly with it. I don’t get the same chances to go out and do things like that, I have more to think of and plan then most do. We are thinking of moving up that way now to live their year round, I hope it is something we do. Truly is a beautiful spot and I hope everyone gets a chance to visit their. 

 

*Trails to hike are, The bittersweet Trail, Hickory Trail, Heritage Trail, and Riverside Trail.

 

My youtube channel Kat Dorsey have the vlog from that day cheers!img_5768

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#Delete

 

She always said that it would not happen to her, that she was to smart to be hurt and disrespected like that, she believed she would never get put in that situation because she was never in that part of town. she never thought she would be wrong, until she was.

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 she was only 16, a fun loving, honest, bubbly person but a little to trusting and naive for her own good. Her friends and her soon meet this guy, seemed like a nice fellow, but it was just a disguise. one day on the road something seemed off, he pulled off to the side and snorted a line. She had no idea what to do, the tension and anxiety grew. what choice did she have, over an hour from home? back on the road another hour went by the girl had no clue what to do. Trapped with a guy who she thought was a friend, turned out to be a disguised junkie. she tossed and turned the rest of the night then told him to pack up they are heading home.

The drive was cold and stormy nothing but the rain hitting the car roof, he pulled over one time as a cop went by, she could feel her heart just pound inside, wanting to be home, waiting to get out of the car. 

That night she lied awake thinking of the choices she made, hoping for things to change. She told her self no more talking to him but she needed to get around; and was the only one with a car. A few weeks went by and it all seemed to be normal and all good, until one night after work she needed a ride. She did not want to walk in the cold rain. The two went for a short cruise around town, then went back to her place for a night cap and TV. 

She thought she was safe, what could do wrong , It was her house and they where not alone. She had a few drinks while watching TV, he keep pouring saying one more just one more. She said time to go but she had no control, he would not take no for an answer. She could not fight him and he carried her up stairs. she tried to scream but no words came out, no one could here. 

The next morning she woke in disbelief, but the worst was over… or so she thought. A day went by she thought she was fine, till one night she fell ill. A few weeks went by and she could hardly move, something was wrong she had no clue. Her mom took her in weak as can be, but the doctors had no idea. A few hours went by then something showed up a liver infection that cant be undone. She drank so much on that fateful night, 4 years later and it still haunts her at night. Her life now run by fear and pain, hoping, wishing, dreaming she could just press DELETE, but life is not a computer you cant just simply #…DELETE.

Moral of the story don’t live in the past, always move ahead and remember shitty things can happen to anyone so always be safe.

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Un-Defined Darkness

She never thought the darkness would define her,

she never thought the shadow lurking in the distance was hers.

Her eyes now hiding her jail inside

but her smile does not go away.

She puts her walls up and locks her demons inside, 

hiding the pain that she feels.

The person that is always  smiling,

always cries her self to sleep.

Her demons pull her beneath the earth,

where her dreams can’t speak and demons taunt.

In the morning she will rise with that smile

but her eyes  tell she is dying.

One night she stared at the dark sky above,

she new her time had come.

she walked into sea and drifted below,

no more pain no more sorrow no more fear,

One thing she never knew was,

 Her demons knew how to swim.

Now drifting along in an un-defind darkness .

 

cropped-cropped-img_0135.jpgMoral of the story is you cant run from your fears because they will find you, face them head on.

Wisdom Teeth Extraction

I’m back, It has been a while since I last posted anything. My life has been very crazy the last little bit, and my health and anxiety have been meh…, I will be making another blog going over what has been going on in the past five months.

On August 15th I overcame something that I had been fearing for the past 2 years, I got five teeth extracted. I have a fear of the dentist because I am so afraid of getting sick and on top of that, I have never had any cavities or any dental work done. The only thing  I have  done with my teeth was braces for three years.

Back in 2014 I ended up cracking my back right bottom moller, yeah I know was not fun. The tooth was cut down in half, and the inside half was all exposed nerves. Due to my dental fear I refused to go in to to get it extracted. After a few months I did not really feel any pain. I got dragged in to get x-rays of it. that was nerve racking non the least.The dentist told me that if i did not get a root cannel i might end up with an infection. He said that i still have no cavities but that tooth ha to be taken care of. I was told they would put me on the laughing gas and it would take only 45 minuets. I was not having it, I bailed out and cancelled the appointment; that was the end of that till June 2016.

Skipping ahead a few years, I decided to get it looked at once again. I was not in a tone of pain but when I ate sweet or had a told drink, I would get sensitivity pain. I was informed that I wont be on my parents medical insurance much longer, because I was not a full time student. I figured that I should just take a breath and have it over and done with. I told my mom that I wanted to make a dentist appointment. She looked at me and had this guilty look on her face, then she told me she booked it already. She was going to tell me the day before so I was not freaking out, and get worked up. I was glad I found out prior, but that was pretty smart of her to try. The day I had to go to my  dentist I was not that afraid, and thats not like me. When I got their the dental hygienist brought me to one of the rooms, I started to feel my heart racing. Once we started talking I was okay, they all new me as I have gone to that office since I was eight. She took the x-rays, and after a few instead, got the full view of the tooth and its root. I asked if my wisdom teeth where in by chance, I new they would be. She saw two on the x-ray she took already, but asked if I wanted the proper x-rays to see what the deal is with them. I went back to another room and got that done, she comes in saying ” you have all four”  my wisdom teeth where sideways. The teeth where not hurting me but I did get some ear pain, but nothing bad. I decided since they are pressing on other teeth, I should just get them out. We made the appointment for the consultation at Coronation, a place in Brantford. It was just a few streets over so it was so convenient for us.

I went into that meeting with confidents and it did help, he answered a lot of my questions and was a caring individual. I told him my fear and he said, he will make sure my mind was at ease. I finished up talking to him, he informed me step by stem what was going to happen the day of extraction. I set the date for September 15 2016, I was starting to get in my head about it so,…. I did what any normal person would do ( Cough, Cough) and went on the wonderful invention that we call Google. Yeah I know, I’m one smart idiot, it did not put my mind at ease.

The day before my appointment I was not able to eat or drink anything after midnight, not a big deal for me. Morning came even  with me wishing it would not. I was a ball on nerves. I was feeling ill, and I was having panic attacks, I was just in tears with fear. I got into the building and waited for someone to call my name. I go back and the one lady was really nice. She was keeping me relaxed and distracted, it helped a bit. The dentist comes in, I was trying not to be to scared. He was so nice saying I will be sleeping and I will be home in no time. We where joking around a little was keeping me out of my head. He left and the other lady put on electrodes and things to watch my blood pressure and heart rate. The alarms on the monitor start going off, my anxiety and heart rate where off the charts. They gave me something for my anxiety and then I woke up in recovery.

I did not remember anything I did not count down or anything I just woke up, it was pretty awesome not to lie. I was numb but not tired, crying or loopy. I just was numb and it was tricky to talk. I was cleared to go, and  before I knew it and was home. I was not tired at all, I think I was awake for about 14 hours after. On the right side of my mouth I had, two bottoms and one top, and on my left I had a top and a bottom removed. 

I have had a rough healing time, saying as it is over three weeks and I still have some pain tells something. I had bad pain mostly on my left side, but I could not get any association for about 3 days. I was on codine T3 pills and pills for an infection. I would rotate hot and cold and was only eating softer foods. I started having issues, going on to week, it was causing a lot of nerve pain and was starting to bleed, I used a medical mouth wash. I had to go back on the T3 pills, I did not like them as they upset my stomach. A few days later I got bad  stomach pain and I was going to go into A&E. I waited it out and it went away. I assumed it was my ulcers acting up from the pain medication I was on.  I missed the Burford Horse show which I was in and the OBRA (Ontario Barrel Racing relief) because of my slow recovery. 

It is now September but even with all of this crazy going on and the pain of it: I am relieved. I no longer have to worry about my broken moller or my wisdom teeth. It is just one less stresser in my life, It was worth getting it all done in one sitting,  instead of going back for it later, when I would have to pay out of pocket. If anyone had to get it done, it is no big deal. I I can do it, I know you can.

 

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Medication

Well it’s been a while since I last made a blog post, well things I just got a little crazy. I am gonna go into a bit of personal life situations. As I have already made reference to my anxiety and health I am just going to go right Into it

For the last 6 years of my life, I have been on Anxiety medication. It is called  Siturline, I have gone up to 100mg a day started at 25mg then 50mg then 2 of those. It is a drug that has seemed to help at a great cost. The medication was very strong meaning has a ton of side effects. The ones I got include, fatigue, weak, nausea, loss of sleeping, heart palpitations, headache, and severe like hospital worthy chest pains and acid reflex. I had to make the disunion  to continue with the treatment or stop, I ended up staying on it for 2 more years.  I suffered with the side effects because it helped me being on that medication despite the effects. I finally ended up stoping the drug the pain got to much every 2 days I felt like my stomach was ripping open. I got severe ulcers in the stomach caused from the level of medication it was. I let my anxiety go a little out of hand the last 675 days. I did talk to my doctor last week to go back on it, it was the only one that worked for me so far. In the time I was off, I depended on a medication called here in Canada “Gravol”. The thing with that drug is you can build u a tolerance, and need to tae more to get the same effects. I take 5 pills a day just to not feel sick, If i go more then one day with out it i get so sick. I DO NOT take it for anything but feeling normal and functioning. I want to stop taking it so I don’t have to watch the clock so I know when it will ware off and I don’t want to depend on it anymore.

I am going to go off it and I am going to try going through the withdrawal. That is hard I get to day two before I can not take the withdrawal. The chills, nausea, body soreness. It really is hard you think from such a simply over the counter nausea relief drug would be simple. When you depend on it everyday for two years, your body becomes dependent on it. Time for new chapter lets hope in a few weeks the worst will be over.imgres-4

Emergency Room Trip, BGH

Well, you know how I am facing my fears, did just that tonight. Many of you know now I am petrified to be ill in public. Because of that I have put my health at fist number of times, for refusing to go in . My theory is ” I’m too sick to go in”. That my friends is a bad thing to live by, your health is no joke.

The last time I was dangerously ill i stayed home 2 week longer then I should of causing lots of damage to my stomach, throat, due to a liver infection.  Lately I have been in need of getting checked out, but keep being to scared to just go in. I don’t mind needles, blood work, just scared to get sick.

well today I had no choice and I think in the end It helped me. Around 8pm Friday April first, I found my self in a tone of abdominal pain. That is not uncommon for me, but was so intense. I was not able to sit up or walk. The pain went from my whole stomach to my lower stomach. It honestly started feeling like I was having contractions. I am not even pregnant, so I was freaking out. my mom made me go to BGH to get checked out. I was having a tone of panic attacks. They where mixed with nausea from the pain and anxiety now.

The whole time driving there with my mom I was freaking out ill and in a tone of pain. I did not know if I had a cyst or if it my appendices. When I got there we went in and signed in at desk. I went into the toilets to get a way from people and grasp what was happening. the pain was calming but the sick feeling got more and more unbearable. I just wanted to go home, but I wanted answers.  I get called up 30 ish min after being there.got to BGH around 9:pm ish. Takes my blood pressure and and temperature, then sends me to wait. It was a quarter to 10pm now. I get called for my blood work, got 4 samples taken (left a odd bruise). Once again sat back down with my mum, Who got me grounded and calm.

It was 20 after 10:00 pm, was feeling a little better pain wise and my nausea was settling. My anxiety was going and I was starting to relax, just a little. At around 10:30 I was taken back to a different space and talked with a RN on staff. All the workers where very nice. I was really happy things started to seem fast. It was a tease took 5 hours just to get called a pone. There was a car accident, so you get what it was like.I got told to go to the private smaller waiting room. Was there from 10:30 pm to 12:15 am April third now. the RN called me back to the examining room.

I started to feel intense anxiety and nausea, like cant sit up or move with out being sick. One of the lovely nurses saw I was very, probably because I was whiter then The bumble from Rudolph, hiding in Mt, Everest. She gave me 8mg of Zepran. worked a tone in less then then five min. Still not feeling great but I was able to find some relief,I just wanted to go home. Now it is 1:00  and I was so tired, running on three hour sleep. The Doctor came to check me belly, and go over test results.

My white count was really high and recommended a ultrasound. waiting on that now, hope for the best. I wanted to share this to show how it is to take care of yourself, even if it is terrifying, like that was for me. Just talk to people and tell them what is going on. My friends where my rock on this. All of them have a was to calm me down. It goes to show that if you pus your self you feel better after. Now that opens doors for me, I can try booking get together. I plan on using this and learning my limits and getting the help that could save your life. I feel so proud I am able to face my fears to take care of my sell.

shout out to my friends that talked me through it and my lovely mother, stayed and did not leave too go home  I am feeling a bit better and hope this is a change that I can grow from. I can’t slip back in to the fear and pain and feeling like I can’t care for my health. Such peace at mind now, I have a scan tomorrow to see what is going on with the pain.

 

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