Well I guess things cant run smooth forever, I have been battling anxiety so bad the last few days. Stopped going out in the daytime, which proves hard because I am working two jobs right now. I have been doing morning and night feedings at the farm and working at Movati Gym when I am not at the farm. I have not been able to sleep or eat. when I eat I feel sick and seems to be one speed bump after another. I feel my self going down old paths,and I don’t like it.
I was doing so good for a few months, went out with people, started rock climbing, was riding more and last Feb started working again after 4 years off. I am tired of feeling like this, tired of having a few good days and then crashing. I don’t even think people really care. feel like I just get in the way of other peoples happiness. Feel so useless, I know people care but my health and anxiety is hard on others too. I hate feeling like a burden but in all honastly I can be at times. I bust my ass working right now but still have no saving or extra money set aside for future me, I just want to be farther in life… but i’m not!
As you know I have a huge fear of working, anytime I thought of work I would feel so sick and light headed. Now I am working at Movati athletics, it is such a change for me but I love it. I also get a free membership to the club, so work out after my shift. I am making my own money now and I don’t have to depend on anyone. Never give up hope you never know how fast things can change for the better.
I have not been posting like I have wanted too but… on a more positive note, I had a job interview. Today I had a interview at an amazing gym called Movati, I have been out of work due to anxiety… well beside farm work. I decided to step well out of my comfort zone and apply, I new I needed to start taking chances. It is going to be hard but i will enjoy working again. It goes to show you that even if you are feeling hopeless you can still push through. it is the first steps I find the hardest. get through that and get through anything.
Been dealing with a lot and have been trying to find ways to cope, to improve my quality of life. The one thing I have done is join a chat room, people are so support of. I believe it is important to my well being to reach out to people who understand. Family and friends can help but they cant truly relate, that is if they don’t have the same issue. If you are looking to get help but want to stay home, look up anxiety/ depression chat groups. It helps trust me even if you just want to talk about other stuff unrelated.
So once again been a while, I think my last post was back in October and its now January 2017. I want to talk about my plans, as we know The typical new year new me.
This year I want to start working again and overcome a large portion of my anxiety. I am done with this rut I am stuck in. I will be happy if I can just improve even if just a little. I am exited to see where the year is gonna bring me.
The last few days have been lot’s of ups and downs, I have been thinking a tone about work. I Feel kind of trapped, I really want to work but one second I feel on top of the world and the next second I feel sick and overwhelmed. I am on the line of just doing it and hiding. Working again would be such a realize for me and a proud moment. I would be able to bet my own Track and think about getting back to showing Ty (my horse).
When you suffer from anxiety things that are easy for most are not easy for those who have anxiety. The though of being in a store with people telling me where to go and what to do freaks me out, because I can not just leave if i feel sick. I have worked a few jobs in my life, Quiznos, Riding lesson coach, horse trainer. but now things are different and I am still trying to learn what I have to do. I’m scared I am going to get in over my head and let so many people down, in the processes.
I got so many plans for my life and I am avery hard worker, a value I was showen as a young child. I just have to push my self but easier said then done, we all know that. I don’t mind the boring jobs, dirty jobs, long hours, shift work, and more. I will do any job but I just need to take the steps. I plan on traveling a lot the next few years, now I am out of school. I have to start working first so I can afford to do all the backpacking I plan on with my sister.
I guess all great moments of your life start with a struggle, The reward is much greater when you put the work in yourself. I know I can do it but it is never east making the changes that are huge. You have to change the whole way your mind think’s, years of backwards thinking needs to be re directed.